08-2006-August

??On Dr. L.’s wall in his office…. pain is inevitable…. Suffering is OPTIONAL!!!!!!

8-29+06 1600 

We met the man that is going to make sure that the hubby’s cancer never comes back. He said that Hubby only has about a 4-6% chance of the cancer coming back within 5 years. So his remission will be a 5+ year success. He was saying that they used to take care of cancer like this with only Chemo than they changed about 25 years ago to ONLY Radiation. Than they changed in the last 15 or so years to a combination of both. The success rate has been out of this world. There is the poss. That he will have another blood cancer Leukemia within a 10 year mark. That was put there by the chemo… so he may have to do it all again. BUT here is the deal. They told him at first the chances of that would be 50 – 50 and now they are saying that it will only be about a 20% chance. So I will take it and Ruuuuuuuuuuuun.

Radio Dr. said that the people that ONLY do radiation…. they complained of the Nausea and the fatigue of radiation. Those that had done Chemo as well…. they didn’t …. they say that they feel a million times better. See I think it is because they have something WAY WORSE to compare it too.. but that is me. He also explained the strange anomaly in the liver…. it is this… if you put that much radiation in a persons body… and there is no ‘Cancer” for it to attach to… it has to go somewhere. And a small anomaly like that is nothing. It just had to go somewhere. So it was nothing. They are sure… and Hubby is already considered…. cancer free.

I was able to tell my niece that her uncle is going to be back soon. She was so excited she was close to tears as she told me “YES I can get payed for babysitting again.” see… glass half full … or as her momma would say…. “ Oh drink the damned water already.”

So here is what we will be doing. We have the babysitter all lined up and we will be doing this…. up late on Monday morning. Have a 4 o’clock appointment…. so we will get there in time for that. Means that we will get to be with the kids and spend the morning with them… do all the weekend paperwork… ect. Than we will be in the Big City for Monday night- Friday morning. He will have his radio appointment at 8am…. that will get him out of town by 12 o’clock…. and we will be home to get them off the bus….. They said that the prov. House will work with us on the in and out of town…. I believe that they will be able to save rooms for us… they make it special for the radio patients… so it will work out wonderful.

The kids will only have us gone for 4 days a week. And the rest of the time we will be home. And we will still be able to get to and from for some of the major stuff. We will also be able to use help that we have had in reserve for a few extra things here and there. I think I might even bring my sewing machine to the big city and sew with no children around. There are so many things that I could get done. I have 3 dresses for my daughter to to…. not to mention I should get started on all the Halloween stuff too. That would be a good idea… I will have to ask auntie to help with all that for the kids…… Hmmmmmm or we might come home JUST for that day. What fun that would be hun?

8-26-06 0848

The Oncologist called……

 

This is what we know… we go along as planned. We are to make sure that it STAYS in remission….

3 more treatments… YEAH! 6 weeks

Than 4 weeks of radiation……

Than… Than he is DONE!!!!

Oncologist says… his scan is ALL CLEAR!

I am so excited. In only 10 short weeks… I will have my husband back again… it will be … Time to heal and to gain strength… and to…. become whole again….

 

Honey, We have been down a long road. I know when you tell people ?I have been sick for over a year… and than you say I have been doing Chemo for 5 months… ?they look at you like that isn’t really all that long… But I know… every day all you can do is wish it all to end. The pain… the sickness… I wish that I could take it all away…. the depression… You my dear are my hero…..

 

You are and forever will be … AMAZING to me. You have endured more than most people could. You had a choice and you chose life… a life with me instead of death with cancer. I have no way to express how amazing you are to me. What you have endured………..

 

People look like they are trying to understand but I say this. I wish you no harm…. I wish you never to be touched by cancer… but…. until you are touched. You understand nothing… it is the hardest and most awful thing. Loosing someone… slowly… watching them waist away…. I tell you that is what Chemo does. Even though he is living.. we have lost…. 6 months… and the year before that he was sick. I lost my husband for the past year. I can say that with confidence.

 

You haven’t been able to be there for a lot of things. You have been too sick. And we have missed you.

 

Now I see the end.. it is in sight…. we…. we will see it through. And we will gain.. my best friend, my husband, the kids father and their confidant. We have missed you almost as much as you have missed us. And we are so happy to see the end in sight and know that we are going to have you home again… back to a new you.

 

I love you , my hero, with all my heart.

8-23-06? 1024

We have kept him so comfortable this time. The miracle pill…. you know the one… right…? well This time I thought why are we using it ONLY when he is so BAD that praying tot he porcelain Gods is right around the corner….? That is what I thought too…. SO this time every 8 hours like clock work I have given it to him. He has not been sick ONCE….. YEAH FOR ME…. I will not celebrate too much though… Just when I figure it out. He changes the rules. So we will go with it… and see what happens next time.

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Still nothing from the Dr. going to call them today. I was so sick yesterday… it wasn’t something I could have done than. But I will be on it… and we will have more answers. Talk to you all soon.

8-18-06?? 18:52

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We have news… I am not sure what to think about it… But we have it…..

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There are no light ups in Hubby’s Tumor. YEAH!!!!! Which means that the mass that is still there is only a scar that will be with him from now on… PRAIS THE HEAVENS…..

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There is a large light up in his Liver. That we don’t know what it is… It could be the medication that he has been on … but we will be going through more tests to see what is going on there…. it would be wonderful to find out that is all it is…..

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There was a LARGE light up in his bone marrow But as we know from before that is only because of the boosters that he is on…..

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All in all his Lymphoma seems to be going in the right way for a remission…. Of course there will be only 3 more treatments to make sure that we are ready to quit… than the radiation after that. There will be the tests to make sure that his Liver is okay. We are concerned about it… and well scared as hell…. Please pray that this will all work out…. that it will only be the meds and that my husband will be able to count on life going back to a new normal…..

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There is our news… happy and scared all in one. Please pray!

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8-18-06? 0940

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STILL WAITING for the call. Can you believe that. I tell you I am going crazy…. I know that everything will be wonderful either way… But you know I have to figure out the schedule for us… and when we will be up there full time. Can you believe that I will not have a computer for 4 weeks. OMG… what am I going to do… I am still trying to figure that out. I am not sure that I will survive… Not talking on here and getting my feelings out. I will be able to get to the hospital one here and there. So I will be in contact. But my blog… I know it will suffer. Hubby is not one to wait around while I am a writing… we will have to wait and see hun? I think I will call the Dr. again. I just can’t handle it…

8-17-06?? 1905?

0500 woke up and started to get ready for our day. What a day it was to end up being.

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0645 we were on the plain heading on up to the big city…. who do you think we sat by? I knew you wouldn’t guess….. It was part of Life flight…. two of the nurses that work with Hubby’s dad. So we sat and gave them amo to tease him about latter….. Good kids that we are.

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0710 we were off the flight…. Now what do we do… lots of time and no were to go but a hospital. YEAH… of we went. grabbed a cab and headed over.

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0745…….. NOW WHAT?…. yup you guessed it… we talked. A lot of the thoughts of failures…a s parents… don’t look away… you know you have done it too….. what could I have done better. Boy I wish I wasn’t like that. So we talked a lot about what to change and how to change it. Thank God for a man that is a leader and willing to help not only himself but his partner to see what can be done better…..

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0830 asked if there was ANY way we could get in early……

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0900… they came and took him away… and we went and got him shot up of radiation… YEAH His teeth were glowing I tell you…..

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I got to run around and get breakfast and get a quick note into you all at this time…than I went back to pick him up….

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1100 he was out and ready to eat… Poor man was HUNGRY….

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1130 up with Dr. L….. what a good picture hun?

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He told us great news…. were we are standing there…. that is the computer room that he has a double screen thing going on… NEAT thing….there he showed us hubby’s first scan … (first time I had seen it) and the new one…. just the CAT part…. and there we saw in his chest what looked like two base balls in the middles of his chest…side by side… than there were two more under neath… so it was the size of 4 baseballs in his chest…. ( no wonder he couldn’t breath) … Now we are down to a small ? a base ball in the middle of his chest. ISNT T that amazing… Than we also learned that we needed to wait till today to get the results of the PET…. that was going to have to wait… that will tell us if the cancer is still active… we know that there is still a mass. But it could be the scaring that is left over from the tumor… he may always have that small scar there… we will find out if it is active latter today… * Cross fingers*

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1230 we went for a walk with Dr. L to see were the radiation department was at…. There we would have to make an appointment latter. As soon as we left Dr. L. we went out for a nature walk… look at what we found…

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the full life cycle of a poisonous mushroom we have up here….. the little

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to the big

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to spread out

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to shooting it’s spores

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than we found a frog……

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Hubby held it for a while

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than we found a neat mushroom that had rings on the head of it….. neat hun?

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Than there was neat fungus we didn’t understand… so if you know what it is… post…. I need to know…

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Let us not forget the wayvey one. NEATO!

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than there was just more fun….. and moments of holding hands and prayer…. Please just let us get into remission … than to radiation… than we are into YEARS CANCER FREE!!!!!!

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so at 1300…. we headed up for Chemo… once I got the man all situated… I went to make a few appointments… than I went and ate. I didn’t realize how long it took me because by the time I got back he was already on the V. and that meant he was done. WOW… so I only sat with him for about 30 min…. Sorry baby… But C. she kept you comfortable… and I trust her. She is a good woman that keeps you smiling….

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at 1635 we were out of there…. off to call big boss …. she was going to make it for a min. that way she could get the bills and take care of things for us out of the fund up there in our name. Thank you NAPA again… what an amazing thing you have done for us. You keep our family moving.

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1700… finished hubby making contact with the offices for his appointments… and we were out front waiting for our girlie to make it….

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1707… she was there in all her beauty…. and she grabbed what she needed….. gave us smiles and love…. talked for a few short moments … and off she ran. Onto take care of others that need her love and support. Thank you for what you give to us… and the time you spend with me on the phone crying what would I do without a girlfriend like you?

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1725…. eating dinner…. and LOVING it… last one he will get for a while

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1845… at the airport ready to come home….

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PLANE DELAYED!!!!!!!!!!! what do you mean that is not right. I have to get this sick man home. BAH!!!!!!!!!!

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1900… man fading FAST…. need to be home before the nausea hits… HURRY!

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2010 finally on the way home. Thank you God….

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2045 we hit ground and were on the way home. Kids were there with Grandma ready to have hugs and kisses to tell us that they loved us and they missed us… of to be now… it is school schedual time. MUAH!

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2100 he was in bed… with a much needed sleepy eye…..

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now we are into this morning…. and here is what I will tell you…..

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His scan

……………………TBC………….

8-15-06 1644

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Well…. we are on our way up to the big city… see you in 2 days and I will have an update… Unless I am able to sneak out to you on the hospital computer… check here around 1300….. and I f I can I will try to get something to you by than. Love to you all…MAUH!

8-12-06 07:56

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Hubby is doing much better. It is not so funny but I ended up with a version of this too… by the end of the night I thought I was going to die. Than our little girlie ended up screaming herself awake yesterday morning.. boy that was fun Than she ended up not being sick at all. She must have an iron will.

Yesterday hubby was sick of being in the house so I took him out of it. We ran out to his moms for about 5 hours. Hubby was some what energetic. And His mom had a hose that was broken so hubby and I put our smarts together ( I did most of the labor.. he used the brain power… man is so smart) he figured out what was wrong with it and fixed it. His mom was SO HAPPY about it. Than while we were there … we ate… LOL.. I made French dips with my star aujus … everyone ate it ALL UP.. than for dinner I made homemade pizzas. Everyone LOVES my crust they swear there is nothing like it. Than we ran into drop kids off for the last night of VBS.

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Than over to Nana and Pawpaws house. See The littlest was still with us.. and well he ran pawpaw and Nana ragged…. ?E COMMIN?….. toes curled. I am sure she will share the story it is hers to share.

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Than off to home. Were we cuddled in with the little boy gave him some love than off to bed he went. Hubby says.. did you put him to bed…? Yup sure did. Oh… I was enjoying him here. *G * Just when you think you have the figured out.. those men they throw you a curve ball.

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Hunny, thank you so much for being there for me. Even when you weren’t feeling the best… while i was in the slump… unable to move.. you got up and was helping me out. You are AMAZING I am so lucky to have you. I know I don’t tell you that enough. So Today… I will scream it out the front door for all to hear. I don’t care if they think I am crazy. You are an angle sent to me from Heaven… thank God I caught you… MUAH!

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8-10-06 13:37

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Yesterday we were able to meet a neat woman that will be coming into the home to take care of Hubbies meds. She will be doing blood draws here so that we don’t have to get him all the way to the hospital to get them done. That will take a large load off. Everything was going well yesterday. The morning was a little rocky but he started his normal day 7/8 up swing…. The nurse was trying to be helpful with the new meds we changed him too we ended up with a backup problem… Go get some prune juice and give it a try… so I took the kids to VBS and while I was gone went to the store to get some for hubby.

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That was a backfire… and a BIG one. I went to pick up the little runts and by the time I got home he was SICK… I mean so green at the gills that I was giving him IV meds. Than it got no better….He was up all night…. despite the med to make him sleep… at 0200 I wanted to help he was just way to grumpy… there was nothing I could do or that he would let me do…He was angry that he couldn’t feel good. That as things were going along this time he was feeling worse and worse… that … here I was sleeping and getting rest and he couldn’t. I am not sure how to tell you he was just angry… he is sick.. and angry and sick.. you get the picture.

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At 0600 I was able to get a little IV meds in him but only 1 ? hours latter he was back to it again. I decided it was time to call in the big guns. I took him to the hospital. There was no way I could make this better. I … am inferior. There was not a lot I could do. I didn’t have it here and he needed more. A quick call into my dad and he was able to get here and watch all the kids. Little did I know that he is sick as well. Poor man … stuck with the kids when he feels like he would rather have his nose cut off than have to blow it again. ( No he didn’t say that… it is how he sounded that i come to that conclusion.)

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So once my dad got here we ran to the hospital… there they gave him his miracle drug.. in such a large dose… I think It would sedate an elephant. I here them saying … do we mix that here or give it to the pharmacy… I think the pharmacy it would take 8 vile… that is when I laugh.. I didn’t realize that he was going to get enough for 4 years in one bang…. and thank God they did…he was still unable to get rest there. So after a few hours they sent us home were I would be able to maintain the rest as normal with his IV Comp…a …zeeeeeen…. and off we went. While we were on the way… I see…

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a helicopter about to take off. Life Flight …Hubby;s dad is the pilot… so I asked if we were in a safe spot… hubby said… um YEAH… and I stopped and made hubby wait to get home so I could see one of the neatest things I have ever seen. The chopper goes so fast… I have never seen anything like it. Don’t ask me what type I don’t listen to dad close enough to know.. all I know.. I think I have figured out what I want to be when I grow up… something I said I was going to be when I was a kid. Now… Now I know for sure… and I want to do it with Hubby’s dad… I wanna be a nurse… in oncology or up in that chopper. Safest man in the air. My hat is off to you dad. You are amazing. Thank you for the wave as you took off…. it made Hubby’s day….

8-3-0615:20

Well yesterday was the second and you had Chemo again…. only 4 MORE TO GO!!!! I put that on everything we signed … we really wont get the pleasure of seeing them any more soon. Although we have been invited back to come over and watch a movie and have cafeteria dinner there without the kids ANYTIME we want…. LOL

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That of course was because I tease Hubby every time that we are there that ?It isn’t everyday that I am lucky enough to be out on a dinner and movie date with the hubby WITHOUT The kids….?So we have been told … When I started winning that he wouldn’t be taking me out anymore…That we are more than welcome to come and visit there anytime and get some R and R from the kids.

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Yesterday we , the nurse and I , Talked in great detail about how bad the nausea has been for hubby…This was a great thing because this way they were able to get a few good ideas for him. She said that she is an insomniac and she has been trying to figure out what to do for him…s o she thinks about him at night when she cannot sleep. So they added a new drug to his I.V. List. This one will boost the Aug*u*ment*in . So it will help him through the first two days and the Aug*u*ment*in will take over the next few days…. well that was her hope. I tell you last night. He slept like a baby.

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No needing his Am*Be*In….WAHOOO! And he got GREAT sleep. but at 4 this morning… YUP you got it… we were up. I asked about his meds. You want me to I.V. Push for you….? Nope not yet. But I tell you by 0930 he was needing it. But he was easier to calm this time. It wasn’t as bad. And right now… he is out with a friend. A pocket full of meds JUST IN CASE… but … he is out for a car ride. Time away from me. I think he needed it. LOL… I am crazy and all.

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He sure is trying to hold up his end of the bargain. That is how the nurse put it. She changed the meds… the idea was that he wasn’t going to get sick at all… he just had to hold up his end. LOL. He is trying… it is going well so far. Lets see what happens from here….Zo Fran…. that is the MAJIC PILL I tell you. That stops everything REALLY FAST… LOVE IT. So….

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HUBBY YOU HAVE BEEN amazing…. YOU ARE 8 TREATMENTS IN AND LOOKA T HOW STRONG YOU ARE… I am good at nurturing someone … I am terrible at being the patient…So if I was in your shoes. I am not sure how I would do. I have strength… not to much though. As long as I am the farm*acey and not the one taking all the meds I do just fine. But you… you swallow everything I tell you too. You ask occasionally what you are taking. You watch me do your meds. And listen to the late night calls with the Dr.’s you have been able to tell me.. honey that wasn’t okay… of huney how in the hell did you NOT BLOW your top? You crack me up and give me a smile everyday. I am the lucky wife of a man that is willing to open the doors for me and mutter under you breath… you and your shivery… LOL I tell you it isn’t dead. LMAO…. you still pinch my behind as we are walking through the store. No one knows but me of course. But thank you… thank you for letting me know that you love me… letting me know that you are there for me… and …. well… for the wt spot… LMAO… inside joke. NO Gaaaaaalllll…. NOT THAT KIND. SHESH your mind… I tell you… we need a crane to get your mind out of there… My water. He dumped my water on MY SIDE of the bed * G*

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I love you babe…. you are my rock.