Heart break
- Posted on 31st October 2023
- in This-n-that
- by Dragonfly
I knew the moment you were born you would be a heart breaker. Never in a million years did I think it would be my heart you would shatter.
I went back over the last 9 months trying to figure out exactly what and where I went wrong. As your father has made sure I understand its me who has to fix it I’ve searched.
Feburary 3rd. I was told it would be an elopement. I pleaded with you, the thought of having family there. You were strong in your case of no. With that you said I didn’t know all the things that people had done to you.
I tried to understand more but you had nothing to offer. I suppose you had your reasons. I cannot apologize for things other people did. Or what you never told me about. Telling me the neighbor boy tried to hurt you when you were young after you were 21,I could do nothing than. And now it’s the same. I can’t understand if I know nothing.
I walked into a full wedding with a cake and decorated tables. You knew, As I asked before hand, that aunt Randi bought you table clothes in your color. That I had wedding glasses for you. I took them to you to show them and you seemed to like them.
Said they would be for the real wedding. Not the elopement. I accepted that until I walked into a real wedding. One you didn’t allow your dad to be part of. Or me for that matter.
As you walked down the isle…. you loudly stated so everyone could hear….
“Well my dad was SUPPOSED to walk me down the isle but I guess I have to do it myself. “
Communication is always key.
Mentioning it weeks ahead and than NOT Asking someone to go get him is not okay.
All that was needed was to ask one person, just one, to go get your dad. Than
- You wouldn’t have had to show your ass and be rude.
- Your dad would have been so happy.
You stole the one thing your dad has looked forward to since the moment you were born. His only daughter. The one thing he would get to do…. was give her to the man she chose. And that moment is gone forever.
Your n laws obviously knew all about it as they helped with everything. Making the cake, food, decorating tables. Your ski coaches were allowed to do/ know more than your parents.
I received a text asking me to make a veggie plate. Than one telling me when/ where the wedding would be. I’ll be there at 4 it starts at 6. Okay. So we showed up at 6. Well I did. Your dad, as always was late. I brought with me pawpaws tear cloth and sent it in to you.
They asked if I wanted to take it. But I was overwhelmed with what I walked into. To be honest I was hurt. Truly hurt.
I left the wedding after everything was done and cried and screamed and cried some more in my car for 2 hours. For your dad. For me. For the way everything happened.
when I got home I exploded in my safe place. My home. To your dad. Where It’s supposedly safe for me to talk. I don’t think it stayed there. I think either your brother or father talked to you. Because you changed. Both of you did.
You started only going to the house if I wasn’t home. Than I would get texts asking where your wedding gift was or whatever you were there for.
Let’s not forget about the text your husband sent me about the gift we were going to give you as a group….
“I hear ya and I appreciate everything ??
Ideas and suggestions are wonderful in regards to preparing for a child, and having items ready to go at the garage is wonderful and a stress reliever.
I am also stubborn? and I am reserving the right to buy my own child’s car seat. I appreciate input and help with all things – but at the end of the day kinz and I will have the final yes no on what we want when it comes to both preparing for a child and our wedding.
Don’t get me wrong here. I love you, and my folks. And not only appreciate support – but we need it. Especially since I am gone half the time. That said I need to feel that I have a say.
I am now a father, very soon to be husband and am reserving the right to provide for my family as I see fit. If my brain feels booted out of the way as provider for my family, it’ll translate to an impression of a lack of respect – and that will not be good. I am a patient man but not when it comes to respect. That is my kryptonite as a man.
I cannot do everything, I would implode.
It would be rough for kinz and I both if we were on our own.
That said, a proper amount of autonomy is needed.
A balance needs to be struck.
I hope you hear this out of love?? I am proud of the family we have. My folks. You guys. Grandparents – the support system is wonderful and amazing.
Couldn’t ask for anything better?”
I went with you to the ABC appointment and you were pissed about this.
But he made it clear and than only 3 others wanted to help with the big gift. So it wasn’t feasible. When I told you it wouldn’t happen you sure seemed extra mad. But his wishes needed to be met and financially 790$couldn’t happen. So we bowed out.
I tried to make everyone happy and failed. Without failure there cannot be success. So I continued to try.
Making things for the baby that you either asked for OR I knew would match the room. I really thought you would be more excited when I asked you to come get them for the house warming. Instead the hard work in the rug I made was met with eh… whatever attitude. It broke me a bit. Even after your dad explained it was a rug not a blanket….all you did was assure us you thought it was actually a blanket and laughed it off.
Fast forward to the house warming. I was surprised to see a cousin there. After all you implied before the wedding. I was happy, maybe you were mending bridges.
Than the baby shower happened. You had been honestly mean. The beginning I was trying to have you ask family to be there. Again you made implications about said family and the answer was no. Than later I tried to innocently ask about J. If she would be invited. Because that meant she needed to drive 13 hours and have child care. Your response was anything but nice. To find childcare for 2 special needs children takes some time. And she needed to get things figured out. I was only asking for her because she asked me to. When you said i could find out from your party planner that i had her number. I was shocked. Calling to ask your Dr. To me wasn’t an option. Yes we are friends. Yes she threw you the shower. Yes I could have called her. But you pushing it off onto her as if she could or would be able to take the call was appalling. All I needed was a yes or no and exact date and time so I could relay that to hlJ. It wasn’t worthy of you being nasty.
After that. There was Billy’s funeral. You had not responded to anything I had sent before that. One picture of Donna and me than you had to know if she was here.
I had given all that information out several times. New mother or not. When I heard of someone that was that important in my life coming into town, I would remember and reach out. And that was before cell phones.
Funerals are taxing. So she just needed to rest. I made sure to tell you that. Also that we were at the golf course come on over. When she needed to go strait to bed afterwards. I sent the information saying maybe tomorrow after I’m done with work. While I was headed home you were texting asking what was going on. I didn’t know. So I’ll call. Or you call. We both did to no answer.
This went on for some time. As Mimi is very sick. She won’t be with us much longer. And will never be in Alaska again.
I finally got info that maybe Monday, When that day didn’t work either. I sent this.
“I wanted to let you know Mimi and the girls extended their stay until Thursday night.
Mimi’s health is very bad. She will never Come back. (Unless Korey moves likes she talking about) but this trip has taken a lot out of her. I’m picking up a wheel chair from hospice for her to use for the rest of the stay if they have one.
So if you have time you might reach out again so you can see her one last time.”
Your reply
“I have a super tight schedule this week. I pushed all of my chores and tasks off from Friday Saturday and Monday when she was supposed to come visit because I was waiting for her to call and make a time. When you know the exact time you’ll be available I will check my calendar to see if I can make it work. But without any notice I might not be able to see her.”
Mimi called you. She said you had a business voice and were cold. Fine she said. Honestly we haven’t been that close since I left. I get it.
Mimi left. I was blessed to spend 4 afternoons with her. She so wanted to see you and your baby. She really was so excited for you. I’m lucky enough to still get to talk to her.
Since than I have sent information. Texted happy birthdays. Asked how things were going. Only on his one month did either of you answer. Nana has asked for pictures and has invited you to events. Everything to see you. You will not allow her anything. Which is confusing to me.
I have known there was something in the above you were passed about…. just trying to figure out how I
MADE THIS GO BAD.
How I made your dad’s life so awful.
Oh yes you see. While you are angry… I’m paying for it all. Because I’ve ruined it all for him. I’ve made his life hell. I’m the one that has to continue to reach out and try…. because the TWO WOMEN I LOVE THE MOST IN THIS WORLD CAN’T GET ALONG!
Let’s talk about the day your son was born….
Text went out with time if birth a picture of your husband holding him and when visiting hours we allowed.
6-9pm.
I had to ask permissible to tell my mother. You wouldn’t even let your grandmother know. The woman who payed for your trip upfront while I find raised all day everyday. Yes you made cookies and bath salts. I sold them and delivered and collected and and and…. Let talk about Nana. Every trip. Your passport. Your driver’s license. Every time there was money needed we went to her. Cap and gown. She got it. More fees she payed. Your bike. The refrigerator for your dorm. Literally when you tried to commit suicide she took you in. While you watched them safe proof the house.
You wouldn’t text her to let her know her first great grandchild was born. With permission I texted her. And said let’s wait until 7. So that others can enjoy them first and we won’t be in the way.
My mom picked me up at 705. I got family things washed and ready for you. The christening/dedication gown that all of you wore. My mom made that for me as a baby. The sweater her aunt made for me as a baby that all of you wore it. And the list goes on.
Everything washed and ready we left and headed over.
mom forgot her hospital badge so after walking to the front door we had to go around the back and walk up through the Ed. We walked in to see everyone there and my mother n law in the bed with you. My heart smiled remembering her sit with me the same way with all 3 of my children. Than it struck me. She doesn’t text. So you had to call her. (Later she told me she got there at the start of visiting hours at 5pm) so you could call her but I had to ask permission to tell my own mother…… my heart was shattered.
But as a parent (you’ll see soon enough) you’re not allowed to have those feelings. You have to stuff them inside and not share…. because as a mother your feelings don’t matter. As a mother of an adult…. they matter even less than they did before. You’ll get old and than you’ll see. (The little bubble over you have ever seen is but a small amount of the feelings a parent goes through)
So I moved over to give you everything. Mainly to explain the importance of certain things. His family being greatly religious I figured a dedication would happen. If it did I’ll never know.
When you’re HUSBAND asked if I wanted to hold the baby.
“My mother first. I know there is a heiarcy to these things. ” while she held him I got a few pictures and than talked with you about how things went. You shared I listened I was happy to hear your time was better than mine. Your healing would go much faster.
My mother asked me if I wanted to hold him.
“Wait. Mother n law have you held him…..?”
“No.”
“Again I understand the heiarcy of things you go first. “
After she was ready to let him go. She passed him through your HUSBAND to me.
To be clear if you offered I did not hear. The people I mentioned above is how it happened and WHY.
Because WITHOUT YOUR NANA OR YOUR GRANDMA YOU AND YOUR SON WOULD NOT BE HERE.
once he was hungry I handed him back. It way only 5 minutes. Disagree all you want but the pictures have time stamps.
Once he was in your arms and we talked for a few minutes your husband said while touching your arm
“I’m ready to be alone with these two. “
But visiting hours are until 9.
He said. No until 7 you showed up after that.
You said no I told them 6-9 and I’m still waiting for HM to text.
After explaining football hold to you, I got up to leave and we left. Mom dropped me off at 815.
It’s been awkward with you. I don’t know how to act. What to say. When I’ll be wrong or right.
I no longer can make you smile.
All I do is anger you.
So be happy…. very happy…. that you will not have to hear about me for much longer. I hope someone will tell your son… that I wasn’t as bad as you feel I really am.
Heart shattered DF out
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