Visit

• Posted on 27th November 2022
• in This-n-that
• by Dragonfly

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I have had dream premonitions all my life. Some more clear than others. Some are shown to me within hours. Some take days, months, even years. The one last night was clear. Very clear.

This is my only safe place. The forgotten place the one no one reads or cares to know about so I’m putting it here.

My dad died December 5th 2021. This has been the year of firsts. The year of grief. The year that binds or tares apart a family. I always thought ours would bind. I was wrong.

My mom and dad had many a good and bad times. Us kids always road along those waves. But they were forever in our corner. Whatever big idea we had they rallied behind us. No one could say different. They loved both by sister and me deeply and differently. As our needs were different they voiced their love and support. My dad always said. “I never understood you girls and the fighting, thinking I love one more than the other. I don’t. I love you both equal and differently.”

When my sister and niece boosted their business taking it to the next level, we all, a family of 19 rallied behind and started boosting and helping in all ways. From cash support to going to events. From being an extra mermaid to donating in the business name for add space. From product production and ideas to writing the newsletter. The family shared everywhere and made the business grow quickly and with love. (This is going somewhere)

In may 2021 my father sat with me and said i was doing my portion wrong. That a smart woman trying to move into something new would have a business licences and sell at wholesale to another business in order for her to be successful also. So I took his advice and bought a business license to be clear it took months of him getting after me to get me to do it.

In October 2021 I now had a license and everything made in Alaska ready. But it didn’t seem to be the correct time. Now dad harping on me to come forth even stronger i told him. Let’s wait until the new tax year for me to get everything changed.

Than the unthinkable happened. I knew he wasn’t doing well. I was with him almost every day. Trying to help him finish things he wanted to give for Christmas and for the new consignment store he wanted us (as a family) to build together. I had looked at building space and reported back. Dad was never happy with what I had found. He said it has to be soldotna. As that was the town that was growing and ready for new business.

With dad gone I had to go to my sister alone and tell her about what needed to be done. Dad wanted both of us to be successful in our adventures and thought that being separate businesses and me being a wholesale distributor for hers would help in that adventure.

I am not well spoken and family makes it more difficult. So my words we’re not taken well. And were given within 2 weeks of his death. All While the family was grieving, but needed to be given at that time because of the new year quickly approaching.

It created hurt. A lot of hurt. Misunderstanding. And instead of pulling together it separated with an email of “as for me I’m done.” With that email “As you wish (I love you)” was replied.

I cannot apologize for sharing dad’s words or desires. I can apologize that that were not expressed or received in the proper way.

Since Than the large grand canyon between, has been noticed by many. My heart has been full of dread. My hurt for my mother as her feelings are hurt daily. Not just by me.

I went to sleep last night exhausted and woke up in tears after a visit in my dreams. This is how I’m visited by those on the other side. This isn’t the first time.

I was visited by not 1, not 2, but 3 of those that have passed before. It was placed in a physical therapist office I’ve never seen but knew exactly where I was. I sat with and loved 2 that have passed before that I miss dearly. They gave words of wisdom to me. Than as I moved to the next I saw my fathers eyes look up from a chair. A started to sob and he said

“All I wanted was for you all to be able to grieve together.”

I looked at him and said “how are we supposed to do that when my words fucked everything up.”

He said .”You will find a way to reach your sister in a place she will find. You know where that is, because she has total control there.”

This is the only place i know she controls. I know no one looks for my writing. Never did because i am not good with words.

I woke sobbing. The tears had soaked my pillow. As they did when Bekka and Miah visited me years ago. The after life is a huge unknown to so many. Even me. But I know that this is right. I feel it.

Yesterday I began looking into a new spot for the consignment store. And the people occupying it now their business is Art’s the Key. I know that was a sign from dad. I know because dad visited right after. It doesn’t mean it’s the right space. It means that as he was the glue that held everyone together and spoke to each of us in a way we could understand one another. He was normally the one to stand up and say you are being stupid/wrong. And we listened.

So i hear him and acknowledge that my words were taken as not intended, leading to the thoughts that there was more to what was being said when there wasn’t. I acknowledge the timing was horrible as the family was still grieving. I acknowledge that the itemized email may have been more than you were asking for. “Anything purchased with the intent of use for the business” That there is hurt where hurt was not meant. These unintentionally caused hurt feelings and are Definitely apology worthy.

For those misunderstandings and unintentional hurt I do apologize.

I cannot apologize for thinking you were doing good and ready to take the reins. I cannot apologize for needing to focus on my business and make choices that as a wholesale would benefit us both, as dad had talked about with me. This isn’t about apologizing for doing something wrong.

It is apologizing for unintentionally hurting the family and their feelings.

With this visit in my dreams…. It is strongly telling me we are supposed to be closer than ever. Not further apart. He is not happy and unable to rest because we are split.

So I leave this here.

I’m sorry.