05-2006 – May

May 29-06   21:34

I am not sure what to write. It has been a hard time of it this past few days. Hubby has OVERDONE it… and he has payed dearly. Nearly every night he has been so tired.. and trying to find the right way to sleep.

He has had a rough time with this cycle….. the roughest by far. He thought it was going to be better. We even talked to the oncology nurse the day after and we were happy to tell her that he had done so well… than it all went down hill… He only pucked that whole night. But he has been nauseous or tired ever since. As he has said. Being nauseous is much better than throwing up… BUT…. I think in a way it is just as bad.

We went out to his moms last night. That really was fun for the kids and I… But him.. well he was unable to find a place to be that was comfortable. Just the drive was a BIT to much. But we couldn’t get the Indy in on our T.V. And they Have satellite…. they said they were getting it in just fine. So we ran out there. He was able to watch… But he was just so uncomfortable.

We are getting it figured out… Down to what his mom likes to call it…. “a gnats ass.”… and we are. We know how long he will puke now… we know when the comfort issue starts…. we know how long that will last… than we know… when he will feel like being human again…. and than we know when he IS human again.

He has been coming out and touching me here and there. I told him I loved it and thank you so much for doing it….. than he whispered… I am never sure when the last time I will do that is … so I want to do it as much as I can. He is just…… I will leave it at that….. Just HIM… I love you baby…

Keep praying…. we need all we can get.

5-27-06     13:05 hubbystarter

This is what I see. Hubby’s dad Drove home hubby’s car last night….. I forgot to tell him about the fact that you ahve to turn the key back when you start it or you wil burn out the starter…. IE. the reason the hubby was worried about it all morning…  So he got to it. I left him alone… when it was out… I asked… “would you like me to go intot he store and get you a new one… ”

 I knew I wouldn’t win might as well help… so I did. he got it done in record time… and it started right up. now… now he is resting. and proud of himself.

5-26-06      09:53

No seep for the weary? That is how it goes right? Why is that… isn’t the weary the ones that need it most.. Like right now. I could curl up into a little ball and go to sleep… if I didn’t have kids at home because those teachers are taking the summer off. SHESH…. * LOL *


It has been a HARD night… and I am beginning to think an even harder day. The kids are feeling that daddy is not doing well… and they are acting out. I am tired so I am not handling it the best. I yelled a few min. ago… that always makes them cringe….But I am going to send them outside in the warm weather and than I will not have to worry. They are itching for their days off.. so am I really… maybe tomorrow will be better. If hubby can get some sleep instead of puking all night…that will help.


Last night all caught up with you and the chemo won. You tried to beat it down and not be sick… it just wasn’t on your side this time. I love you babe.


I am here no matter what. MAUH!

5-26-06 00:38

hubbysml Just when we thought it was better……… You handled the day of infusion so well. We even went to the second hand store to look and dream…. than all day you did so well. You got a lot of Ensure in ya….. now … now you are fighting with your inner being… do we make it to the toilet… or just make sure to hit the bowl. I don’t mind either way. I will help… I will clean what ever needs to be cleaned and make sure to hug you through it all.

Tonight I had a small fight with the nurses on staff at our hospital… I was one of the ones that fought so hard for the policy and now I am one of the ones that screams the most at them. But that is okay. I called up to anchorage and talked to the nurses up there…. they gave me what I needed. Told them who his Dr. was and his name. They were able to look most all it up and give me an answer…… I gave you meds at 23:30 all of it came up at 23:59… what to do…? re medicate… or let you sit… How much got in ya… and how much came on out. Ohhhhh what to do…. Nurse said… eh…. it is really up to you… but let us hash it out and think about what you are doing. Than you make your best judgment. So I did.

And yup I gave it to you… but you haven’t taken it. It will all work out.

You will be fine. And in 8 days you will be up and moving again….. The past 5 days have been like a miracle. It is the old hubby I remember. The one that would tinker with anything. Wanting to do things with the kids … up and ridding a bike… or taking off with one of them.. just for…. I can thats why. Drove your car for the first time in MONTHS…. since April 10th. You were joking around… and you didn’t even take a nap on 2 of those days….. I miss you. I miss you even though you lye next to me. I miss your smile. Your loving touch. I miss…….. everything. I cannot wait for the next 8 days are over…. so that I can have you again.

Even bigger… I can’t wait for 10 months to be over so that I can have you all to myself again. I never have been good at sharing. Especially with Cancer.

DF out


Cycle2 day 1 …. tired… up and  moving… scared to sit still for too long…. for fear that he will be down for the count. Tomarrow will be the real test…..

Good night. I am taking the baby sitter home.

I wore him out yesterday. Had him go into the dentist to take care of a potential infection site. And he was tired…. Than after a rest we went to watch our girl play her FIRST T~BALL game. She HATED it. LOL… that girl. She wanted to be done … her coach told her okay go sit with your mom. Me being the way I am… UN UN…. you go sit with your team … don’t have to play… But you have to sit with them. So she went and sat with them… Dad went and talked to her…. It’s just plain BORING dad…. He said… I know I think it is boring too but you wanted to play… and we put you in here to see what you thought of it. One more game if you still feel the same way.. fine we will put you in soccer. THAT Made her BEAM…. she had so much fun in soccer…. and how lucky am I… Look at that man. Even when he is that tired …. he is still there for her… and for ME. WOW!… Thank you baby only a little longer ………..
DragonFly out



What have we been doing around here…. well Hubby has had a few GREAT DAYS! They are amazing compared to what we have come to get used too. On Friday he surprised me by being able to handle watching the locals lay our sons Tombstone down. What a NEAT thing. He was able to help them lay down the pennies and made sure they were in the right place for us. They were all from our sons penny jar…. and there were two for the year of his birth and two for the year of his death. I will find a picture or two or three…. so that I can share them with you. It will be a while before I can. I need to set up a flicker for it I think… they are neat when you see them all together. After that… Hubby was HUNGRY. Can you believe it? So we went over and had some lunch. He had a French dip and ate it ALL.

It was time for the girley to be picked up from her beach trip… so I asked Hubby if he wanted me to drop him off … or if he wanted to go for a ride. He went, and it was really neat to see the girley’s face when she found out that DADDY WAS in the CAR. So I had to meet all her new friends.. AGAIN.. they are in from Tennessee it is like a teaching trade of some sort… and there is a girl that she had fallen madly in love with. “ Dad I love M.J. More than you and mom…. “ *DIES * I exchanged our address and gave her our email. I am looking forward to the pictures that she took of the girley while they were here.

Than I asked. Hubby would you like to go home OR I have a program to go to for the #2 boy. I am good. I am feeling good. This was the first time in 9days that he has been up and moving other than to the bathroom. 😉 So we were taking advantage of it. You should have seen the boys face. Than he was able to show Daddy all of his art work… and … DADDY took him home from school early…. Can you believe it…?

Than get this… When we got home I was so tired I was reading the newspaper … and the next thing I knew…. Hubby was tapping me. Babe we are all going for a bike ride. The baby is sleeping with you. He gave me a kiss and i rolled over …. I woke up to…. Honey your best friend is here and she is taking #2 boy for an over night… wants to take the girl but her room isn’t clean. Can she… or what was your deal….?….” No baby she cant go… Holey crap I have been asleep…… that is when it hit me… I was so exhausted from doing all the stuff … that well I fell and I fell hard. Thank God he was there to catch me.

Now since than he has been at birthday party’s and been able to be at his moms while I was helping thatch the yard. 2 acres. WOW! And and and and….

he has felt good. He looked at me today and said … I feel so good. That means it is coming again… isn’t it….? Yup only 3 more days… 2 to do what you want and one to sit and get it all again. The poison that will heal you … even though it makes you feel like CRAP! But I will say this. He doesn’t itch at all this time around… AND he can hug us again. He doesn’t loose his breath … and … in general we see a lot of improvements….

The guys at his work… while I was there today all came running out at the same time to “wave” at Hubby…..

they screamed….” Hey … Hubby…..and than one fingered him….” Hubby died… I ran in and said.” Hubby is just wondering what that was all about through his snorting of gateraid up his nose…….”

My answer….” queens and the like have their waves * imitates princes wave here*… and well we have ours…..” That was enough of an answer for me…. and the Hubby… laughed all the way to were we were headed. Thank you all for the laughs and the love. When he has those good days… they are great. I am so thankful for everything.

Keep up the prayers and the Love … he will need them this next week as we enter into… Cycle 2 day 1 on Wednesday. Only 7to9 more to go.


5-19-06 16:28

What a turn around. The past week was horrible and today Hubby felt wonderful. Was in a great mood this morning. We went and laid our son’s gravestone down. Man that thing is heavy. I have pictures somewhere….on this computer I will post on my web site latter. But than…. than he said he was HUNGRY….. Oh My Goodness. That was an amazing blessing so we took God up on it and went out to eat. What a nice afternoon that was. Today was our daughters beach trip for school and we went over to surprise her and pick her up from the beach. When she heard daddy was in the car… she was Elated.


Daddy had a few moments to decide if he had enough energy to go to #2 boys school play…. He felt like it was worth a try and you know what he made it through the whole day. He was able to run around with me and have fun with the kids. What a strong man. With a HUGE heart for his family.


I thought he would come home and crash.. But that is not the case. He has sat and listened to a few new jokes I got and he thinks that he might be up to playing with his remote control car here in a few min… It is nice to see him up and moving and having a good time doing it.


Keep him in your thoughts and your prayers as we are getting close to another treatment. I spoke to the oncologist today and he was surprised with how hard everything has been for hubby and gave me a few ideas about what to do to help him. I hope that next time it will be easier for him. I am crossing my fingers you do the same….. Okay?


5-18-06 10:00
Hubby, I know how hard this has been for you. You haven’t been who you think you need to be at all through this. I try to lighten the mood and say…. so will you do THIS for me when I have cancer. I am not trying to barrow trouble…… AND it makes you smile as you say…. yes or no… or I would RUB your FEET TOO…… think THAT was a hint. What I hate most is how uncomfortable it all has been. Those first few days you couldn’t get OUT of bed…. just thinking about it was all the energy you had before you had to go to sleep again to rest up so you could think about it again. Your comfort level came into question about 4 days ago…. the pacing started whenever you were awake and you haven’t been able to lay for long periods of time. When you get sleep it is all chopped up because you are unable to sleep without getting uncomfortable fast.


I went and got a heating pad. WOW that has worked wonders for yesterday and today. Your bone pain eases when you are able to relax on there….. and you generally seem to be more comfortable on it. So we take it EVERYWERE YOU GO!You have a cord trail all over the house. *LOL* … and I also got a Hot water bottle. That has been a heaven send. You carry it all around the house with you when you are pacing. Seems to be soothing to you.


The pain is something I thought was going to go away. When I said that to you… you said. Hell the pain in my chest is NOTHING like it was. I don’t even loose my breath like I used too. BUT…. Now I hurt in other ways. So I guess the Dr. was right… the pain would go away. He just didn’t say that I would get NEW pain.


And a NEW pain you did get. One right in the Ass….. ME…. I am around every turn with, here are your pills. Here is your shot… lay still I HAVE to do this… Okay either I do it… or I take you to the hospital and let one of the EVILS do it. Eat this. Drink this… fine… you don’t have to eat… Drink your ensure than… and the funny thing is. You do it all…everything I ask of you… you are willing to… you may not like it… you may bitch about it…. you may even put if off as long as you can. BUT you still buckle down and do it for me. I hate having to be your lover and your nurse. Makes it hard sometimes…. but you know what… you are possibly my best patient… you haven’t pointed a gun to my head yet. And I have had that happen.


I love you babe. And this is going to be a very long year. You will not remember much and you are going to loose a lot of time. BUT you will be able to make up for it latter. We will get to have time with the kids and you will have some good days. This might even be one today. Wouldn’t that be GREAT!


I admire everything you do. I admire who you are…. And I love that you are sharing it with me. You were able to touch me last night. The first time over the past 8 days that your hands felt okay enough to try. You simply rubbed my back. And I cried so hard. You told me…. “ It feels good to be able to touch you.” I couldn’t say much.. But I curled into you for the first time in 3 weeks, ANd you held me close. You are my hero… even when you are feeling sick… you take the time to love me when you see I need it. Thank you for loving Me.


5-18-06 08:00

I know I haven’t posted much about how he is doing lately. Please forgive me as it has been a very busy and hard week. This round has been miserable. In the beginning Hubby wasn’t able to move without being sick. I had a few problems with the pharmacy refusing to give me his meds. They said they had to speak to the Dr. to make sure that he knew what he was on. While they were deciding what to do Hubby was at home so sick. Just so sick…… I was at the Pharm. At 10am… and I wasn’t aloud to pick up his meds until I called at 5pm. They said that they had just talked tot he Dr. and that it was ready I could pick it up. Than I got there…. and had to wait…. and wait some more… than around 6:30 they decided that they had it ready and I could go. That made it just enough time for Hubby to be so sick that holding down the pills was hard. Needless to say for about 3 days the pharmacist wasn’t on my good list. I know that she was trying to protect him. But instead all she did was make things really bad. Hubby has lost 7 pounds thorough this round. So we are back to where we were when we started it all. He will hopefully gain some of it back. But who knows.


We will be able to have Chemo at home this next time around. They will have us here till July 19th. Than we will be going back up to the big town. It will be nice to be able to bring him strait home and let him sleep without having to wait for an airplane.


Our trip home last time was interesting. We were on the 8pm flight. But they got us in on the 6pm. So we thought hot Dog we will get home just before the Chemo hits real hard and he wouldn’t crash at the airport. Than they had mechanical problems with our plane and had to bring in a new one. So we sat over there till 7:15 before we were able to get out. * G *. the good thing was Hubby saw someone he hasn’t seen in a long while …. they got to talk and enjoy each other. The friend has gotten married and added 2 children to his family since Hubby and I saw him last. The man bought hubby a Chi Tea and they just talked about high school. *G * boy there are things I didn’t know. Most of it was the EXTRA story that was under it all…. that i hadn’t heard yet. It was enjoyable. Hubby crashed while we were waiting…and his friend was nice enough to help out a little….. by the time the plane was there and we were on out Hubby and I met up with a sweet young girl…. I need you to keep her in your prayers….


She had just had a heart biopsy while she was up there…. she leaned over while I was getting hubby meds and said…..You are the pharmacy too…..? Yeah I am I keep up on it… she said My mom is too. * G* after we were talking to her and her mom…. we flew home…. only to find out that hubby has been delivering to her Dad at his work for years….. Now we know how to keep a close eye on her. Sweetest little 17 year old you would ever meet. 2 years ago she was given a second chance at life and had a heart transplant. We all know what it is like to be a teenager and she thought she knew better and stopped taking her meds. She was off of them without mom and dad knowing for 3 months when she started to have problems again. They took her in to find out that she hadn’t been taking her meds.,which she fessed up, and that her heart was only functioning at 12%…. she is doing much better now But they needed to check things out again and see what else was going on. I will be calling the store today to find out how she is doing I will let you all know. But 17 years old….. shesh… she needs our thoughts, love, and prayers.


Hubby is starting on his uphill trek for the week and we are hoping that next treatment will not be as hard. He will get that on the 24th. We are still waiting for a call from the Dr. about the specialist. So hopefully we will know more about his treatment plane soon. Please keep thinking of him. I will try to leave more news here. We are just so busy….. see you all soon.


5-15-06 07:57

This was a really hard treatment. It it amazing how sick you have been. You are knocked out of it. You have told me a few times that you are not sure why you are so tired. You think you should be able to jump right up and head into to work. You have a heart like I have only seen in one other man. You and my daddy no matter what were in the work place. My mom was like that when I was growing up too. You have always enjoyed having a little time off……. But as you put it this is TO much…….LOL.


I am loving you being at home. You always have “the Voice”. When you have layed and listened to the children just walk on me one to many times….. you say something from the bedroom….. and they KNOW. Dad will not tolerate it. No matter how many times I say… Just wait till your Dad gets home. It is not nearly as effective as …. What did I hear you just say to your mom….. LOL…. it is GREAT! The look on their face is… OH CRAP…. did you forget to warn me that Dad would hear me say that to you. How could you MOM…….. Kills me ever time. After the kids have gone into hear how much you don’t like to hear that they are speaking like that to ANYONE let alone their mom….. the one that feeds them and is waiting on them hand and foot….. I come in the bedroom and we lay there and giggle talking about the LOOK they had.


I have been able to lay in bed with my best friend and just talk. I haven’t done that in years. Haven’t had time. Too many kids, To much to do, and not enough time. I have learned to slow down. We take everything moment by moment. This week has even slowed down to second by second. I treasure this type of a moment…..


The girley came home from her shopping day with Nani and PawPaw and had a brand new toy. I thought… K why don’t you go sit on the bed with Daddy while I get something to get it open with…. I talked with mom and dad for a min. and when they were gone I remembered.. OH YEAH the girl is waiting for me. I went in there only to see her having a tea party already with Daddy… He had a knife close by and had opened up the tea set already. Here he was…. barely an eye open with his tea set on his belly trying to stay awake and when he would here the take a sip Daddy he would through slits in his eyes. She was in HEAVEN. I had to break up the party at 9:30 p.m. I think they were both teaed out. LOL. He loves that even though he is not all the way awake they are taking the time to lay their with him. Now here is another


My boys were in a bit of hot water…. they had crossed the line and needed to rake that yard they did…. Soooo I went out and talked to them and told them what needed to be done. Showed them were, what, and how. They were working on it… Daddy had a small spurt of energy, So he came out to inspect what you were all doing. He was happy to see how pretty it was getting in the front yard. Not only that he took a few drags of the rake himself. Than sat down to watch the “Pro’s” do it. No energy left…. he sat for about 10 than went back inside. But those few moments…they knew how special it was and talked about it latter.


Thank you baby for being the voice in the bedroom that is there when I need it… thank you for being the ears that listen when I need to spill about that pain in the A~~ pharmacist. I tell you that woman will never hear the end to it. Thank you for being my husband and loving me no matter what. You have been the best husband and an amazing best friend. I am thankful to have you.


Get well soon my friend.


5-13-06 08:28

Hubby was able to hold down some ensure yesterday. 3 of them….. and He seemed to do better with energy because of it. We will weigh him in latter. Yesterday he was down to 160 again. When we were at the Dr. he was up to 165 with shoes on. So they call it 163…. But…at home on our scale we had him up to 166… so I know that he has lost 6 pounds. So they would have him at 150something. That in itself scares me.


I wonder if it hit him so much harder this time because they gave him more. They change the dose depending on how much you weigh. Since he had gained 4 pounds since he was last seen…. they gave him a higher dose. Makes me wonder if that is why it hit him so hard.


Hubby you have been amazing. Through all of this … you still want the kids to come in and give you hugs before they go to bed. Throughout the day you want to hear about their day. You have taken the time to tell me how much you love me even through the …. you know….


I am lucky…. lucky I found you And more than anything Lucky you love me. I love you babe…. feel better soon. MUAH!


5-12-06 09:11

What an exhausting two days….. Hubby is finnaly doing better now that he has his meds. THANK YOU to all the Dr.’s that helped get that underway. Now the puking has stopped… and he is resting much better. last night… was….. I leave it at that. till tommarow.


5-11-06 07:29

Yesterday was a BIG day. We were able to talk to the Dr. for a long time while we were up there. A lot of questions were answered. Hubby is stage IIB BUT there are a lot of questions that the Dr. himself has. The Top Lymphoma Dr. in the US is coming to the Big City for a banquet/conference. Our Dr. is bringing Hubby’s case to talk to him about it. He was saying, He could treat it like a normal stage IIB But there is a Hokkie thing in Hubby’s blood that bothers him. Hubby has had the symptoms for so long, Over a year for 2 of them. So he thinks that if he was to do that he wouldn’t get everything and we would be right back were we are today. So he thinks that 4 months than a month of radiation is just to short. He is looking for answers from the other Doc. So here is what we know… Hubby is


Stage IIB

He will be going through 8-10 months of Chemo as we stand right now.

He will than have 3 weeks at the least of Radiation.

We will know more after he talks to the US Doc. and go for more info than.

The radiation is were it will get hard. We have to be in the BIG city every day for the radiation. So we will need to stay in anchorage. That is gonna be … iffy to say the least. We will work it out. But that will be coming up close to Christmas. Not sure what will happen But I know that it will be taken care of.


Prayers have been answered. The Dr. is AMAZED. He was SURE that everything was going to turn out being stage IV. He is still in disbelief that it isn’t. THAT is the power of prayer…. and we know it too……

5-10-06 08:02

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Hey baby we all are here for you supporting you…. WE LOVE YOU!

We on our way to the BIG CITY…. pray for the man as things are getting underway for another round….. and… me…. to make it through the plan ride again. MAN I HATE PLANS!

5-9-06 08:13

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Well we had a shaving party last night. Hubby was the honorary person so we had him go last. But we had over two of his best friends…. Uncle N~~~~ and R~~~~~… Now R~~~ has 4 kids and a beautiful wife…. Than We had over from Work… anyone that wanted to come… One man was brave enough G~~ and he brought his sweet little charmer of a boy…..


Now with 9 kids in the house you might think that the noise level was out of control… It wasn’t the only thing that became a problem was the movie that we put on that no one watched. Why did we put that on again?


SO we had the Napa boy go first….. * G* he looks so good. I did the razor treatment. So when the hair cutter. R~~~ got down with them … I was sitting by the sink to do the rest. We had SO MUCH FUN. 2 kids and 4 men…. were all done… and the beautiful wife that I mentioned up above…. she ALMOST did it. But when we noticed it was her turn…. R~~~~ was already packed up. That is the heavens telling her to wait.


We got pictures of everyone But for whatever reason I am having trouble loading them up. So You will all have to wait….


last night was the most I have seen you up and moving since last Wednesday. It is amazing to me how tired you are. I have only seen newborns sleep this much. Although they wake to eat. You on the other hand do that in your sleep as well sometimes. You are very talented….


You are so sweet… while I was cleaning out our closet and getting a lot of the things that we don’t use as much anymore downstairs, You watched my every move. Told me how sexy I was…. I love you more everyday … Is that possible?Anyway. I was in a frump of a mood and you kept asking me why I was being so hard on myself. Yesterday was one of those days that I felt inadequate as a wife and mother. I had lost your birth certificate. Here I was searching through everything int hat closet looking for that silly thing. Could I go buy one. Yeah I already did. BUT the problem lies that we need it now. Oh well. God is telling us to slow down and let him do it all….While I was frumping my stationary fell off of the shelf. I said…”I don’t even know why I have this I NEVER use it…. Heck I havn’t writen a real letter … since oh I don’t know.. EMAIL.”


You looked up at me and said…” You have me to write too.”

“I used too all the time.”

“I know and you would send it to me in the mail. The kids too. So that they would get a letter.”

“ Yeah, I did. But you never saw the point in it… always told me it was a waist…. So I quit. I used to see things differently. But ….”

“A lot of things have changed Babe… and … I see it now.”


So what could a wife do? She will engage in what she used to do…. Love you in every small way that she can. If the letters I used to write make you smile and you see why now… I will so it for you. I love you… you are so amazing. How did I LUCK OUT…..?


5-7-06 12:40

We are so blessed the past few days while they have been tired days and off and on in the energy…. they have been quiet. Nice family time. Even the kids have sat with Dad in the bedroom to watch their soccer games with dad so that they can tell him what they were doing and what they were thinking. Dad got to watch the kids get their medals. They did very well this year. Dad got to hear the coach say that #2 boy had improved so much this year and that his defense was AMAZING! We are proud of more than just the kids.


Hubby has been handling all this so well. He has his moments of tears of a frown on his face. But all in all… he is doing so well. He sleeps a lot… and I remember my mom telling me when the kids were sick…”When they sleep, they are healing.” Or something like that…. so The more he sleeps the more he is healing. That makes me smile when I see him sleeping. 😉 Sleep…. sleep…. sleep my pretty!


5-6-06 07:36

Hubby’s manager at work has been keeping a close eye on us and loving us through all that we have been going through. it is very personal for him as he has lost a close family member to cancer that was very close to him.

We are so thankful for his involvement through all that we have needed to do. He has given us someone to lean on when we need it…. He has sent an email to hubby and I that we think of often. Hubby is a very spiritual man he helps me teach our children some amazing things and prayer is part of our daily life. He sent us this wonderful email. And when we read it we realized…. we have been so wrapped up in what is going on around here that we haven’t stopped to ask you how you are doing. SO if you are reading this. Know that we share this prayer /email because we are truly thinking of you… your hard times are on our thoughts and in our prayers. Know that you are loved…. and let us know how YOU are doing!

God still sits on the throne. Each and everyone one of us are going through tough times right now, but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that only He can.
Keep the faith. My instructions were to pick four (4) people that I wanted God to bless, and I picked you. This prayer is powerful, and prayer is one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards. Let’s continue to pray for one another
Father, I ask You to bless my friends, relatives and those that I care deeply for, who are reading this right now. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace. Where there is need, I ask you to fulfill their needs.
Bless their homes, families, finances, their goings and their comings.
In HIS name. Amen.


5-5-06 07:36

Tonight is the night…. Hubby and I will be getting heads shaved… Me? Yeah I was gonna do it…. I have nothing in my hair that I need to hold onto. And when I did it I was gonna give my hair to locks of love. Hubby…. he didn’t like the idea. He really doesn’t like girls in short hair… “But Honey You can do WHATEVER you want……. “ No that is okay…. you want my hair to stay the way it is… . No biggey… I will even grow it longer for you… No worries. I will show support in other ways….


Hubby’s BEST FRIEND will be here too…. He and N~~~ go a long way back and he has called many times just to say… HEY….. Whatcha doing. Hubby and him than talk for about 30 min. Now remember this is the man that HATES the phone. * G* He will be shaving too… wants to show Hubby support….


Than one of the guys from work will be here too….. I will get pictures tonight …. I will have sis… help me post them for you. It will be fun. Lots of fun. Pizza and fruit and salad and …. a Bon Fire….be there or be square!


5-4-06 20:06

Hubby is very tired. I had to pull him from the bed to get him to his Dr. Appointment. It was a good one. But they let us wait to long and hubby crashed and burned. He did SO WELL yesterday. you know that good day bad day thing….. it was in full course over the past 2 days…..

He has slept or been to nausus to know his own name all day…. It will be okay… Dr. gave him a few things to get him better…..Most of it is just talking about the good news. so We will get him rest all tonight and FUN tomarrow!


5-03-06 22:20

Today….. Today is an AMAZING day….


Hubby and I have been in anchorage all day. Went to see his NP up there and get a few answers. We were able to find out that what they were feeling in his groin…. DID NOT. I repeat…. DID NOT.. light up in the PET CT scan… so…. you ask me now… what does that mean? That means… that the cancer has stayed ABOVE his Diaphragm……. This is a BIG triumph for Hubby. His bone marrow lit up. But when the bone marrow test came back it said that he didn’t have Hodgkin’s in his bone marrow. So there is the open ? About what was in there. We are celebrating today. I am sure you can see why…. even though hubby is sick, and he has something wrong. Today we were given such good news. We are holding onto that.


We went to Lids … Didn’t find a hat that he wanted…. couldn’t blame him. But we did find a skater shop that we found 3 in that he loved. So now that hubby is stilen’…. it is time to get his head shaved. So latter this week… we are gonna get on that. If we can’t get our friend here I will get him into her. And the party… well we will figure that out latter.


As for more news. The Dr. would like to see Tim. SO we will be heading BACK up this coming Wednesday and we will get Chemo up there one more time. Than we will be able to pick the Dr.’s brain about the lit up they found in his marrow.


Today CELEBRATE with us…. Let HIM know how much we are thankful for. Hubby has so much more hope today. More hope than you could ever imagine.


Pray for him that the pain will get better. They did say that his pain will get worse before it gets better…. But pray that it happens fast. We need it too.


Thank you for the continued prayers and support.


5-1-06 08:05


So my aunt R~~~~ sent a web site to my mommie…. thought that it might help with all that is going on in our home. I can say this… It was an interesting read. This man has had a time with his Hodgkin’s. Although he has a lot going for him. He is only in stage II B… a very lucky man. He will only be doing about 4 months of treatments. And he had the luck of getting drugs for his bone marrow biopsy…. I feel bad for him that he has a pot though. They are not fun. Hubby has the Groshong. In the grand plan, this is a much better option for hubby. No poking at all…. that is a GREAT THING.


My hubby has so much pain. His itching is so much better… his legs are starting to heal. Hubby has been battling this now for over 1 year. We had no idea what was going on and we had a Dr. here in town telling him he was allergic to various things. I changed everything. The detergent to what he ate. EVERYTHING…. nothing made it better. So to have 1 year and 4 months worth of itching stop….. after only ONE treatment That is a BLESSING. Now if only the pain would go away. The pain in his back is just as bad as ever…. the pain in his chest is almost unbearable. My hubby is miserable. He will be doing Chemo for 8-10 months… Maybe longer. Hubby’s has spread it isn’t just in his chest. He is going to have a long haul. Yes this is the”Good Cancer” But this is so advanced in the hubby that he will be sore and sad and hurting for a bit longer than this sweet young man. I am so happy that he is doing so well. What an amazing man. Here is his web site……… Feel free to go and check it out. He seems like such a sweet boy. And with a great outlook on life.


Hubby had been doing okay. Yesterday was so hard on him. He went to his mom’s with us. But could not get comfortable. He was in so much pain. I am thankful for all the meds they have given him without those I can only imagine what his pain would be like. He has his good moments don’t get me wrong. There are times when I am so happy to see him eat… that I jump up and down behind his back. Last night was one of those times. He ate and than asked for more. I don’t get to see that too often. Hubby used to be able to put in 4,500 calories a day… we all teased him that he had a tape worm that was devouring it all. I sat and would count his calories and shake my head in wonderment. Now with his weight at a whooping 158 while he is 6 foot tall…. I feel like if I could just get some food in him we would be doing okay….. But he just can’t… the mass in his chest is pushing on his esophagus and he has a really hard time swallowing. Fluid is better than food. And if you are going to eat something solid you have to drink water with it to get it down. Now water is no good have to have something like …… Gateraid. Whatever works I say. I am just happy that he is getting food and calories in him. Yesterday was a 1,000 calorie day. I made him drink some Ensure. It is the only thing that I can do to make sure there is enough vitamins in his body. Reading about this young man in Ohio…. it is a hope that in maybe 4-5 months my hubby might be able to go to a baseball game. That once he is in a better space…t hat he WILL get there faster than I thought. THAT is what makes me happy. This is such a hard road. We have 4 living children at home…… Obligations. NO income to really speak of. Short term disability is 700$ a month. And our hospital bills….. even with insurance…. are over 1,000$ right now. There is so much pressure coming from everywhere. I wont let hubby look at any of the bills. I open them put them in a pile and keep them all were he can’t see. I need him to concentrate on sleeping. That is way more important. The kids… we tape the important stuff and bring it home for dad. Someday soon he will get to go out and be there in person. But Right now. Going to the grocery store for 25 min. about killed the hubby. So how can we ask him to sit in bleachers and watch a game. Not yet…. just not yet.


Last night was so hard. Hubby had pained himself so much at his moms…. it was hard to get comfortable. Than I was late on his meds. So this morning he was tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. He is resting now. That is wonderful.


Hubby you are my best friend. I am so sad that you are going through this…. it is even worse when you TRY to wake me because you are just scared and you are seeing things in the room…. and I WONT wake up. I am SO SORRY….. I know that you got as close as you could to me and that made it better. But here I sit and tell you … I am here for you no matter what… and than when you need me most… I sleep. That is why when the Dr. asks me if I need anything for sleep I tell her NO… I need to hear you and the babies… and than… even without it.. I still didn’t hear you in your time of need. I only pray that you forgive me. That first hour of sleep I cannot seem to wake up out of. I am so sorry. I held you at 1am. When I did wake… and I tell you I am here. But I want you to know… you … YOU… are amazing. The pain is horrible yet… you find a way to roll over and tell me I am beautiful. You watch me sitting and doing the computer or what not. And you take the time to open an eye and say. Baby I love you. Even when you are feeling nauseous… you are thinking about me. Baby you need to sleep…. whatever it is… you are still doing what you have been doing for many years. Thinking of your family FIRST. You hate feeling useless and tell us often that you want to go back to work as you are speaking through sleep ridden eyes. You realized yesterday for the first time there was NO WAY you could go back to work. You fall asleep at the drop of a hat…. and there is just NO WAY….taking a shower was all you had in you for the day. And I was the one that washed you. You just stood there. But that in itself was to much to ask of you.


Through all of this …. I know you are worried….. you think our opinion of you has change…. you are worthless because you cannot go to work…. you are less a man… because our special moments are not what they once were. Well my dear. Let me tell you…. you worked for 3 years no complaints… at a job that has kept a roof over our head and food on the table… You are AMAZING. You take the time to hold me when I need it. You have loved me even when I have not asked for it. Most of all…. you have given me yourself when you thought you could. That is more than a lover could ever ask for. You are more a man than any women in this world has. I am the luckiest woman in the world, and that … THAT .. is because I am woman to your man…. I am she to your he… and I am the lover in the bedroom that holds you tight…. and you are the lover in the bedroom that lets me. I could never have asked for better in a mate. Thank you for loving me. I needed you so much. and I still do.