07-2006 – July
Hubby is getting some much needed sleep. His best friend from High school and her Hubby are coming to town. He is BESIDE HIMSELF… you see they haven’t seen each other in about 10 years or so. She now has 2 kids and a wonderful hubby. She will be here tomorrow I am going to try and get a picture of the two of them together to show you his smile. I tell you his has been beaming all day. With excitement.
They will be here early in the am… so I have been getting things together for their visit. Hubby got his shower today… and … well I don’t tell much about what that does to him… He gets so worn out. I got him showered and dressed and into bed for a nap. That was 4 hours ago. Poor man. I guess I got him too excited in the shower. No NOT THAT WAY! Shesh … Gal get your head out of the gutter….
I tell you every time he has a treatment it seems to be worse. I decided to call and talk to the nurses about it… she said that it is right. It accumulates over time. He will be down on his lips by the time they are able to stop. I swear…. this SUCKS! But he holds his head as high as he can. I can tell you that knowing we are looking at only another 5 times around ……. It gives us something to look forward too. Being DONE! Every time he cried this time. I could tell him … only 5 more…. that is all… Only 5 more and than we will be ready for radiation.
But since that is an area of unknown…. I am not sure that he is finding comfort in those last few words…. so ….
Honey. You have been such a trooper. Every time you get to low… you are able to tap into something that makes you smile. Whether it be that you hear one of the kids … or they run to give you a hug. Or the fact that I yell at you with a smile in my voice. I am not sure … But you make it happen. This morning… before you were all the way awake you opened your eyes and said…” What a beautiful face to wake up too….”
I tell you all I could say was “ I am such a lucky woman.”
I am… you and I have found a way to tap into one another more than I ever thought possible. I am excited that this will be over soon and that you will be able to get back to work. I know that it will make you happy. But for me… I will miss you. I know that I don’t get much of you at home now. But if I feel icky about something and need you all I have to do is go into the bedroom and wake you up and say hello. But when you go back to work… than I will have to drive into town… or call. And the touch will have to wait. One way it will be good. In another I will miss you at home.
You are a wonderful father. And I have noticed that I let things go. I am so tired all the time chasing the little buggers. You hear when I get to that point… and when it does… you are the wonder to step in for me. You come out … thud… thud… thud… thud… Did I hear what I think I hear… did I hear the word Hate? DUN DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN…. and than once the little things are OFF the wall… I hear… don’t ever treat my wife like that. And your mother is a special person… you should never talk to her like that… By the end there are tears and hugs and LOVE… that is what you like to see. LOVE.. and you need more of it. So …. my dear. More than I can ever say. I love you…and I am so lucky to have you. I cant wait to be the old people walking down the road hand in hand…while the young whipper snappers are passing us on the walkway. I love you honey… with all my heart. MUAH!
I know…. I KNOW… I haven’t been here in what seems like forever. If you looked on the front page Wednesday last week was a good day. We found out that everything was shrinking and the FOREVER with no end in sight was shortened…We have a light at the end of the tunnel…
This has been a hard week. We have it down though. I know what is going to happen and when.
Day one. SLEEP… sick… in the night the sickness starts.
Day two… SICK…sleep…SICK…can’t stop moving legs which doesn’t help the tummy.
Day Three…. SLEEP SICK SLEEP SICK….Bones Hurt
Day Four. Shower. Sick…cry..SICK… BONES HURT…
Day Five….Bones hurt..Depression hits. HARD
Day six… sores… Lots and lots of sores… depression… BONES HURT. Do we HAVE TO TAKE THAT SHOT AGAIN!?!
Day Seven…. I WANT THIS TO STOP… Not another shot. Please honey not another one. Depression at it’s lowest. And the bones pain is unreal. The tummy still uneasy
Day eight. Who thought you would puke this far out. But hey we wouldn’t want to fall in the norm…w e are the DragonFly’s you know. The Depression is starting to go up. But have you ever noticed how much cancer is covered on TV and the DEATH.. OMG. It is unreal. Hits hubby hard ont his day. It has now been 8 days in bed… would love to have the energy to wake UP… and be able to MOVE… Maybe today hun?
Day Nine. Ready to move. But tummy still a little uneasy. How about we fish. Or what ever. Just lets not walk to much. The more this goes on the longer we find it takes for him to be up and moving. Maybe today we will get a few things done.
Day Ten… Today is the upswing. This is when we are able to start thinking about planning things. Like going to the park with the kids. Or having an outing of 4 hours. WOW! He can go out of the house for longer than 10 min. Apatite comes back
Day11 … it is almost like having my hubby back again. He is up and moving and being an active dad… Hehe.. I get help with the scolding of the children. This is when he is right there with me. He still sits a lot and needs to rest… but he is up most the day walking through the house with me.
Day 12…t his is when he says… Honey we are almost to that time again hun? Yeah why… i feel good that is why. It never lasts long.
Day 13… He will mow the lawn go over and get the hornets nest taken care of. Want to go fishing. This is when we go shopping just to be out of the house. Not because we can buy anything. He might actually think about having a beer at this time…
Day 14. this is the dreaded night before. This is when he debates on weather or not he will show up the next day. Mind you the nausea is always taken care of by this point with the pills. But is takes till now to really have it under control. This is when he is emotionally ready to go through it all again. To have those 2 days of good. He is ready to meet up with Kathy and get it on. This is when … he wishes… that tit would all be over.
Now that we have an end in sight. We are ready.
I know that I haven’t written much to you all here. But this is how I have looked at it. These are how my days go. I am run by my watch… It goes off every 4 hours day and night to make sure that he gets his medication on time. I have a log that is in the bedroom and I LIVE by it. All his medication is on it and I make sure that he takes it every day. This is a great thing though. Anyone that would walk through the door could make sure that his meds were given to him with a little teaching that is. Anyway. It seems to be the same thing to me everyday. I know that you are all wishing I would give you more but with all this and the kids and I seem to keep being told that i have to find time for myself( YEAH RIGHT) I don’t seem to be here enough. Please keep baring with me and know that as soon as I know things I will let YOU….. know what is going on.
Continue to pray for our strength in getting through all this. Other than our sons death. I think this is the hardest thing we have gone through. Please keep my sister in your thoughts. It is coming close to the hardest month in the year. The song should have been … wake me up when August ends….