04-2006 – April

Hubby has been so tired. We are getting the hang of all the Meds. He is getting used to me coming at him with a needle. He doesn’t like it. But he is getting used to it. He slept most all of yesterday. This morning he took a shower and got dressed than went to sleep on the couch. He needs it. I am happy to see that he had the energy to take a shower. It was fun to help….. hee hee hee hee… I think that is the best part of this. I get to see him…. well you know…. all the time…. * G* I am the luckiest woman in the world.

I think, for the kids, we are going to try and let daddy sleep at his mommies house for a while today. Might be able to get everyone moving here soon. I don’t really care if we go or not. But the kids are missing their time out there. Might be needed. Sooooo….. with some more much needed sleep. OH and Hubby actually ate some breakfast. The scale is scaring him…. he is at 158 again. He got up to 161… so he is trying his hardest to eat a little more….. Well we are off. Not to much changed here we head up to the big city on Wednesday and than we will maybe know more in a few days about the bone marrow and the PET CT and than about his counts. So we will have more than.

I love you Hubby……..



Days like yesterday are so special because they come so far and few between. But it was a great day. The kids and I worked on a lot of things in the yard so that you would get sleep. Although you would have gotten sleep no matter if we were in the house or not. You were OUT like a LIGHT. I am happy for that too.

Even better…….is the fact that the itching has subsided to the point that you are normal itchy… you know like when hair brushes against your arm wrong or some such thing like that….. No more of needing to sharpen a knife JUST so that you can itch your leg with it. You told me today that it felt good to feel half human. * G* that means a lot to me and to you. NOW we need to talk about this shot thing…..

You KNOW I HAVE to do it. YOU NEED to have it….. if you DON’T your white blood cells could got o low and than we would be in danger. That doesn’t mean that you sit there and scream about how much it is going to hurt. We all know it will. And when your kids are telling you to just get over it… honey that is saying something. Let us not forget …. I am not TRYING to be an infiltrator…. I really don’t like doing it. But you keep calling me that and I MIGHT just start to like it. LOL. No I really wont ever like it. But I do HAVE to do it. OR I can take you to the hospital everyday and make them do it.

Today you have been asleep all day. You really over did it yesterday…. Ohhh there you come… out of the bedroom looking like a cat drug you through a mud puddle…. chewed off your left ear… put it in your mouth and made you swallow half of a hair ball with your ear.

Well that was short lived. Went tot he kids room and than you walked back in the bedroom with an… “ I love you sweetie.” You are so warn out. WOW… this is gonna take a lot from you … isn’t it?


He cried a bit last night. That was hard on me. I was telling him about being with the Dr last night and talking to her about everything that was going on….. catching up with her ….. and I was telling her that she is Tims hero….. and he is the one that keeps saying it over and over…… than he looked up and says… she IS my HERO…. but dragon fly …. you are my Hero too… I was shocked…. um… K… Hunny… why? Than I noticed how much he was crying….. he had turned his back by this point… so I talked instead… Hunny you are MY hero… you have worked at that store through thick and thin no matter what for 3 years strait! Never calling in a day sick! Not once……. you … you keep a roof over our heads ….YOU keep food on the table…. it is only because of you that all things are taken care of around my house. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be able to stay home with our kids so that they are with their mommie…. Hubby you make all this possible. You are sick for a small amount of time …. this is only a speed bump in the road God wants us to slow down a bit and we are doing it for us … for the kids…and most of all because he has asked us too….. you are getting better… and I love you my HERO……. I hugged him and walked out…. got his meds came in to douse him back up again and off to dream land he went. What he doesn’t realize his that he really is my hero….. every word I said was true. I love him with all my heart. I pray he knows that.



Last ngiht was so much better. I got the man some of that Xanax….. GOOD STUFF… he was out for the night and I was able to get some sleep as well. We ALL NEEDED that. the floor I think is the one that needed it the most. LOL…. it was screaming about the path that has been warn away on it.

We will get more to you latter. Right now hubby is enjoying his babies in the bedroom with him. All of them have gone in and given him hugs this morning. he missed all of their wake up time yesterday. so it was nice for him to have the morning with them crawled up in his bed………


4-27-06 07:04

What a long night ….. it hasn’t been that he is actually puking it is more the anticipation,the pain, oh and his bowls are killing him. He has paced or sat in the rocking chair almost all night. I got no sleep as well. I know that he was trying to let me sleep and deal with it on his own. But I think we as wives worry more when they are not next to us… rather than sleeping next to us and us tossing through it all. Him not being there was nerve racking. I wasn’t sure if there was something I could do to make his life any easier…. except not asking. Because in my heart of hearts I knew that just asking was going to be more of a pain in the ass than letting him come to me if he needed me.

Today we have to head over to the hospital. They will give us care instructions for his groshong. That was a thing in itself when we walked through the door. Kids were all so happy to see daddy. When he took of his shirt so that he could rest it and let me clean all the blood….. the tears started….. and they didn’t stop for a long time. 30 min. or so…. so we went ahead and showed them a book that explained it all. The 9 year old took it to his room so that he could read it for his nightly book. Tomorrow he wants to take in the book on Hodgkin’s. He is starving for the information and hubby and I want all the ?’s answered. We have given into the fact that he is SO SMART.

Here is th e hubbies Sub type……

  • Nodular sclerosis (NS). The lymph nodes in the lower neck, chest and collarbone usually contain normal and reactive lymphocytes and Reed-Sternberg cells separated by bands of scar-like tissues. NS accounts for 60-70% of Hodgkin’s cases. NS appears to account for the increase in Hodgkin’s cases in recent years

In all the talking this is the most common. Although it is more common in women than in men. 60% more. LOL…. It is most likely that hubby will be in stage 3 or 4 … and the success rate with his treatment plan. Is anywhere from 47% to 90%…. Hubby is curable. We just have to get through all the road blocks. Keep praying my tired eyes are going to tell a funny story for the front page while I am getting the kids ready for bed. Thank you all and I love ya.


4-24-06 16:05

How is it that you can pinch your veins off with only your mind control. I have never seen such a thing. The tech and I looked at each other stunned….

“Are you in?”

“Yeah I am there… hold on let me flush the vein and see what happens.,…….. Yeah I am in there… I just can’t get any blood…….I have never seen anything like this before.”

So he pulled and bubbled and pulled and bubbled some more…. and a little tiny bit of blood came out. Enough for 2 cc’s that is it. He was upset but thought he might be able to tag the red blood cells with that little amount. * G*

Hubby was tagged…. made to glow and sent in for the multigated acquisition scan. All seemed to come out okay with it… and hubby was hungry…. OH MY… so I fed him as fast as I could. He is full and sleeping. Probably wont wake up for the rest of the day. * G* all good. He needs his rest.

While he was in his MUGA scan, I ran down to see the oncology nurse here. She was able to give us some information on a possible grant for latter down the road. It will be nothing in the end of all the bills. But it will be something for right now. It will ease Hubby’s mind for right now.

He is being hit hard with the realization of little to no income. How do we keep the house and keep the kids fed…. He will provide. He always has and always will. Hubby has listened to that internal voice and when things got bad he has done the things that he needed to do …. He has always put food on the table and kept a roof over our heads….. The BIG man upstairs has helped my hubby keep our family were we have needed to be…. Not always were we thought was best or what WE thought we needed. But God has always had a bigger plan and we are only a small part of it.

Please continue to pray. We are on our way to the BIG city….. for a cinima I think…. I will let you all know how it went when we get home. Might take a while… but I will get back to you. Might get to use that computer lab again. * G* it is fun there I tell ya.


4-23-06 08:06

The itching is almost unbearable. This sounds bad but I can’t wait for the chemo. Dr. Says that it will make the itching stop. Although than you get to puke up your toes for the next 5 days. Can’t win for loosing can ya….

Last night your Best Pal came over for a while. We all watched a movie. Hostel I DONT recommend it. It was grossly graphic. But that isn’t what turned my stomach it was what they were doing…. YUCK. Slow starting movie. How the hubby put it…… Could have had a better plot. Hell could have HAD a plot. Someone just wanted to make a yucky movie…. and they did. With not much thought.

While we were getting the kids into bed PawPaw came by. Your daddy hasn’t seen you since all came down. He flies helicopters and just started doing life flights for the hospital. So we don’t get to see him much anymore. It is good that he came by. He did seem to know what to say or what to talk about … he just wanted to be here….

Is that how you guys are? No words you let your mind do it all. And because you are both guys you know what each other are thinking? I think it is amazing. But I also believe that sometimes NO words are the BEST words.

I love you baby. This is all going to get better. Dr. is hopeful. We find out about your bone marrow soon and that will be a great thing. Than we will know how long we will be doing this and how hard. That is the BEST thing. Knowing how long and har far you have to go to beat it.

I played that song… “I will survive” I thought you were gonna shoot me. Your face was well worth it.

On to a new diet for you too. No CARBS and NO SUGARS…. only for 2 days but this way they will be able to get a good look at your heart. I love you. I know this is hard but it will be over soon. I am beside you every step of the way. MUAH!


4- 22-06 08:22

Last night you slept well my friend. I was waking you up to give you your med…. 2hours late. Which must mean that it is okay to pull back on some of them. Which is a good thing. 2 of them are a constant and that I am happy about. Takes care of the symptoms that have been driving you nuts. I also feel honorable that I was so late this morning on one of them. But hell… You got them … right? The other two… pain… it seems to be getting better and you are able to pull back on it all. So we are going to give it a try. It might not work. But if it does I think you will feel better about it. I know you will.

Your kids and your dog seem to not want to be quiet this morning. They are trying to wake you. I want you to sleep I think the body heals the most when you are resting completely at rest. So today I am going to take all the kids with me to the soccer games… that way you can rest. Your best friend is coming over tonight for dinner and I want you to be rested so you can enjoy him. If only for 30 min. at least you will be awake for it. * G* watching your brother stare at you while you drooled was great. But I am not sure you want Best friend to watch you do that. Than again you could do the same to him. All I have to do is get a few beers in him and he will be sleeping on the couch… than I could tease you BOTH about your drooling. Hmmmmmmmmmm….. That is sounding better and better. I like this. I am the winner in it. * G* You know I wouldn’t even though I will threaten you about it all day.

I am not sure if I should tell you exactly what a groshong is. You know what it is in the back of your mind… I have told you. But I don’t think you really know what it is. I could show you THIS… but I think you would faint. I think the element of surprise might be better in this one. But than again in the Chemo education class we are going too… they might spill the beans. But you don’t need the scare till than. This way… they will not have to poke you to pull blood. That will be a good thing. One less thing for you to have to deal with.

You are a strong man… few things scare you or give you fears. I can count them on one hand. 2 of them you are dealing with everyday right now. I see it wearing at you in your eyes. You are not going to die through this. I wont let you… as a matter of fact. I will kick your butt if you do…. and your children are FINE. They are handling it all better than we are. Strong kids that understand a lot more than we give them credit for and they …. they are JUST fine. You worry, about you for me. For Us. For ALL of us. Just get better. MUAH! I love you.

Future schedual……….out of town on Tuesday and wednesday again. we will try to stop and write you int eh computer lab at the hospital while we are there. No promises.

Tuesday 25th 9am Bone Marrow biopsy and talk with Oncologist….

As soon as we are done we go to Chemo education class.

11Am Pet Scan should take an hour or so.

Pre Register for surgery the next morning.

Wednesday 26th 8am We will be in the Cardio Department getting his Groshon. That will take about an hour. Than we will have some time for ourselves. He can get something to eat or what not….

2pm Hubby will start his Chemo treatment. And should be out of the hospital by 4/ 430… than we will be on our way home. We should be able to get the 6 pm flight.


4-21-06 11:30

He did so well. He has lungs the size of a horse. But I tell you just that little bit WORE HIM OUT. He is sleeping…. slept in the car…. and fell right into the covers. I got his shoes off and him comfortable. I am heading in to get the baby and to get a box from a friend. Thank you for the continued concern. My best friend sleeps like a beauty and this beast is headed into town. * G*


4-21-06 0753

Last night was rough. He was tired but not able to rest… I tried to keep up on his meds. I did well during the day yesterday But I was lacking last night. So it got to far ahead of him. He is back to sleep now…. it is honorable that I have to wake him though… We need to leave her at 0930 to get to the hospital for the pulmonary test…. We do get to have fun with a dear friend there. He has helped all my kids and I through our asthma… not to forget was there for my boy when he was born. I am thankful for living in a small town. He was there on the day hubby went in for the first CT when we new nothing really. He held me while I lost it…. told me that you know … he was there if I needed a good cry. So he held me till he was paged. Gave me one last squeeze and walked away. I love small towns. You are loved around every corner even if you don’t tell them what is wrong they let you bawl.

Today is the Pulmonary Function test. That should go well. He is unable to get much air to move through but that is because of the size of the mass that is laying on his esophagus. Swallowing is harder. We will get him fixed… I know we will.

My best friend. I used to use that so loosely but as I age I find out what it really is….. It is my hubby. There is no other person in the world that I share this much of my life with. No one else that is able to make me smile when I am frowning.. No one else can tell me my mood before I know I have one. * G* You are everything that a woman wants in her Best Friend. You listen without judging. You wait till the end to tell me what you think. You are warm arms when I need them…. and you hold me away when I need that more. You are strong in bruit strength but most of all in spirit. You know your politics don’t you? You have helped me change the way I think and the way I function.

I am strong in ways you are not…. NEEDLES!!!! But you whip my tears and hold my hand or rub my leg while we are on a plane. You put up with what you think is silly because you love me and understand that it is a fear. While someone else on the plane was terrorizing me. You kept me in my safe place in a meditation so I didn’t hear a word. Thank you for being my strength. I know I need to get over it. But Thank you for holding me up when I need you most. You are amazing to me. And I love you.

You are my best friend and you complete me.



We are home and we are settling in. We were given news yesterday, Before we left that they put a rush on the pathology and we were told that Hubby does have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. He will be having a few test today in Small town USA to make sure that his heart is in good working order. I guess one of the chemo’s they will be giving him is hard on a week heart… so they need to make sure that his is in great working order. We will be there for a few hours today… than Hubby will get a break for about 4 days. Off to THE BIG CITY we will go again. While we are there, They will be doing a bone marrow test to see if the cancer has spread that far. If so they will be going a little more aggressive than what they are talking about now. Yet either way they will do chemo so we will be going ahead to get him a gershong while we are up there and getting a PET CT done. He might get the first treatment while we are there. Or he will come home and do it under Local Small town Doc. with Big Town Doc. orders. Big Town Doc. Has faith that the small town Doc. Will do what he wants and do it right.

Big Town Doc. was wonderful. He was willing to answer any questions that I had. And was able to tell us this is very curable. He has seen masses bigger and they are in remission as well. So his outlook is good. Hubby will be sick for a while. But a lot of the symptoms are going to go away once we start in. That is what will be nice. For Hubby and For me.

#1 handled the news better than I thought he would. We kept him up late because he had more questions Brilliant ones at that. So we took the time to answer them within his capability of understanding and he was content to sleep well last night. He is worried BUT the Dr. told him… Daddy will be okay. So that is were we are at right now. I wanted to make sure that you had the news.

I will be keeping this log for myself and for hubby. Someday we might want to read it again. Or the kids may want to see it when they are older. So if you ever want to read it…. you may…. but know fears and scares and feelings will be here…. I am sure a lot of them. So be prepared for whatever you might read.


4-19-06 10:05

The Surgion has been out and we are informed that he has Hodkins Lymphoma…… The oncologist will be in very soon to talk to us and tell us what is next on the list. We will be heading home soon. They are sending me back in about 5 min. Once again thank you for all the prayers. see you at home


4-19-06 08:26

Hubby’s blood count is really low and he is very pale. He is in surgery right now. They said that even though he felt as though he was going to puke. they were going for it. I guess they think that it is really important to do it no matter what. He was crying when he went in and I am not sure how he is holding up right now. Well I am sure I do know. He is sleeping. sleeping to his heart content. Probibly the best sleep he has had in months. I am eagerly awaiting the page.

Yes you read that right. they tell you here … hey go have breakfast you can even walk away… like me on the computer… they have them here for all to use. WOW!… and we will PAGE you when he is out of surgery … at that time the Dr. will talk to you and tell you how all went. Than I will page you again when he is out of first recovory and ready for you to be at his side. *LOL* what has the world come too. Now the Dr.s arnt the only ones with a pager. LOL. this is great….

You ask how I am? Well I am sitting on a computer telling you how the hubby is trying to keep my mind off of all the Dr. told us yesterday. Very nice man that was willing to sit with us for a long while. But after he made us wait 2 1/2 hours while he was in open heart surgery it is the least that he could do … Right?

As soon…. I mean JUST as soona s I know that he is out of surgery I will come back on this little computer int his WONDERFULL computer lab that they have here and will let you know what is going on. Thank you for all the prayers and the thoughts that are coming our way. It means so much!

D.F. out.


4-18-06 00:07

Tonight you were in a lot of pain. Here I sit writing instead of going to bed. SHESH what am I thinking…. I am going around the house doing the last min. things. You know the… OH and the kids need this… and this… and I need to clean the stove… can’t let the babysitter see it like that. WHEW…. and the Laundry…. Oh the Laundry… need to get those loads folded so that in the morning I can get them put away so that I don’t worry about it the whole time I am away. I know I say that I wont BUT I will…..

I have our bags packet. Keep thinking of little things that I need to put in there….Pit stick.. oh yeah can’t forget that. See what I mean. And my nerves are shot. I am in a tummy flippy flop. All the last emails are out… and… something wonderful happened today… Our sons Stone came in. we were able to get a picture of it and enjoy looking at the final product of 2,000$ worth of savings…. it is beautiful. We are going to have a party and Hubby and I are going to help lay it in the ground. We are ready for it now. #1 boy… he wants to have a cake or cupcakes for his brother and play pin the nose on Elmo while we are there… It think it is fitting. We will have fun that is for sure.

Hubby laid low today other than to go and look at the stone. He was able to get some rest… last night ‘s sleep was next to nil. So it is nice that he is sleeping soundly now.

Today he watched out the window while the kids and I were running around… Okay I was running the kids were riding their bikes. Some of the pictures are priceless… I will share those latter. I am scared. Keep him in your prayers as I will…

* Bitting off my nails * It will all work out……


4-16-06 14:36

Today I was thinking….I wonder if this will all turn out to be nothing. It might. It is a possability…Than I remember all the things the Dr. and I talked about.

Below are listed some symptoms and if they are indicative of a particular form of lymphoma (Hodgkin’s Disease = HL, or a form of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma = NHL):

  • Lymph node swelling, often in the upper body area but it can be in almost any node or related lymph system organ. The node is usually NOT painful as opposed to infected lymph nodes which are common and can be painful
    (HL, NHL)

  • A lack of energy, general fatigue. (HL, NHL)

  • Weight loss – usually at least 10% over a short time (HL, NHL)

  • Fevers which can come and go. This can be accompanied by chills or a feeling of temperature swings (HL, NHL)

  • Night sweats – unexplained sweating at night, often drenching (more often HL than NHL)

  • Itching – itching without an apparent cause or rash, sometimes deep in the skin rather than on the surface, sometimes on different parts of the body (more often HL than NHL)

  • Fever above 100 degrees Fahrenheit (38 degrees Celsius) for over one week.

Less Often:

  • Some people have lower back pain that is unexplained (may be caused by expanding lymph nodes pressing on nerves). (HL, NHL)

  • Lymph nodes are possibly painful after alcohol consumption. (HL)

  • Skin patches, lesions, itching (NHL of the skin / cutaneous)

9 of the 10….. you have 9 of the 10 here…. I am amazed at that. You slept so good last night … you know that must mean that you are going to be fine right……? RIGHT? Or is it what I need to be thinking about…. I should just be taking care of you and forget all this. I watch you sleep on the couch and I remember the first day I met you. I remember being that uncoordinated 11 year old. I was friends with A~~~~ and she was talking about her boyfriend and how they had gone and done this or this… and what it was like. I remember thinking what the hell are you doing that crap for… you are only 11 years old. Not only that. EWWWWWWWW…..

She kept asking me if I like you and I would tell her… yeah he is a nice guy. I wasn’t thinking the same way she was. LOL I was thinking about a friend. Not a lover….

I saw her the other day…s he asked who I was married too. I told her you… SHE DIED LAUGHING… said that she new it… that they all had a pool of sorts going… who was most likely to get married out of our graduating class… I guess we were in the mix of that. LOL… I love it.


4-16-06 09:55

Last night was wonderful. You had already gone through your (what I call) spunky hour. But when dinner was over you sat with the kids at the table and decorated eggs. It is the first year since we have been together that you have been able to color eggs with the kids. It was so neat. I sat and took pictures and the kids got creative. Baby girl even made the orange into this gross brown. * G * you and #2 boy made strips with paint brushes and took the time to make them all pretty, pretty eggs.

Baby boy got up on your lap and sat with you for a while when you were painting… the pictures of that are too sweet for words….

Last night was better than it has been. You took your meds without a fight this time and you got really good sleep. So when the kids all got up this morning you were able to be with us all on the couch. Sat with me on the couch and watched the kids go crazy looking for all the eggs. The last two were the hardest. That is always the way it works, the first ones you find are never hard to find. * G* But Sissy found that last one. And she was so proud. That cup in the window was a hard place hun?

So when all the excitement was over… you laid on the couch. The kids on the floor….”We got a movie to watch?”

“You bet babe….. I picked up …. the ORIGINAL…. HERBIE!!!!!!!!”

We were all glued. It has been a long time since you and I have watched it. Let alone the kids. They have NEVER seen it. It was fun to listen tot hem giggle to the same parts that I remember giggling too…. “MOM Herbie peed on him.. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”

It was a grand time. I think it is time to head out to grandmas… if you can hold one for the ride. I think it will be fun. You can sleep out there and maybe get a sauna or a hot tube in. Might help you sleep. I love you. Hopefully tomorrow will be as nice as today… maybe tonight you will get good sleep again. The room is rearranged now and it will be easier to get you in and out of bed after the surgery. I love you babe.



Night time is the worst for you…. I hate to see it. I went to bed early, I was so drained from yesterday. You stayed up. I think it is because you were unable to sleep yet. I gave you your meds and went off to bed…. than at 3am it started again. The pain and you pacing. I asked…. what can I do to help you…. you said … Just don’t panic baby… * G * you would try to keep me calm when I am…. You were able to settle in after 45 min. or so. You seemed to sleep or at least rest in comfort after that.

The kids are awake now and ready for the day. One has pictures for soccer. I need to get that boy a hair cut. I should call this morning. I love the calm place they get us in quick. Maybe I can get N~~~~ To come here. I will give her a call and see. I would love to get my man a hair cut too before the surgery. Sure would make him feel better about himself. That is always so important.

Well we are off for the day and running. * G *



Had a very long talk with the Dr. she is hopeful. says that the prognosis should be good. We just have to find out what type of lymphoma. That was an interesting talk. You should hear it all. * G * I was swimming by the time I left. But he is young, otherwise healthy, and it seems to be caught early. So we will find out right? She helped me brainstorm. How long has this been going on… Oh about 2 years. …. what about this one…. 5 years. WOW you mean to tell me…. there is no way that we can tell how long this has been there but now that we have found it what it is and than move from there. The symptems were bad enough to were you found it. Now we will work from here…. Yeah we will… and move on we will.

You spent great time with the kids. It was shortlived because you get tired so easy. But …. you were with them…. that is what they needed. thank you for a warm fire for you family. I love you!

Cry??????? Hell yeah I cry…. wouldn’t you? Loosing my best friend is out of the ? And he is telling me… I won’t let this kill me babe. It is all okay…..Works for me! I have faith in him when he puts his mind to something there is no stopin’ him.



This morning you were up early with pain again. Thank God for what the Fr. Gave you. You have some comfort and are back to sleep again. I of course cannot sleep. As much as I have tried. Listening to you cry softly as you went back to sleep wrenched my heart out. I held your head and played with your hair like I always do till you slipped back to sleep. Now I sit here. I read for a while, It is a new book on how to heal my attach disordered child. As I read how to “heal” my son. I can’t help but to wish in my heart there was a way to heal you.

I know I know. I was just telling him not to put the cart before the horse but… here is the thing. When we googled it last night to see what we would be looking at…What do you think we found but a textbook case. My hubby fit it all. And the tests they will run. He has 3 or the 4 out of the way. So on the bright side. We are almost to the point that you find out exactly what is going on. Than we can make a plan on how to fix it right?

He can be fixed….. Right?

I laid with him this morning while he cried. Crying silently to myself, I am so happy. Why now? The past 2 years with him… they have been amazing. We have done things together he has taught me so much. I know how to change the calipers on my van. Who’d a ever thunk I could do that? Hun? You have taught me to be more patient… you really have. I think I must be most patient with you sometimes. But I am getting there. You have showed me how much you believe in me. How much you love me. And most of all. You have showed me how to trust. I didn’t realize how much I had a trust problem…. but in this past year you have shown me that I have a problem with it. And most of all you have shown me how to work with it.

You keep telling me that you are not going to let this kill you. Know from my heart to yours that I Pray with all my might that you are truthful with me. That God will help you in these next few months/years… and will make this go away. That he will heal you. I don’t know what I will do without you. I have to have you hear. Or my threat of.”Wait till your father sees this…..” Will not mean a damned thing. I don’t want to be forced to look at our children on their graduation days and say… your Dad would have been so proud of you. …. Or on their wedding day and say… your dad is smiling from above.

You have been getting so close to my nieces and my nephew. They tell you how much they love you all the time. They take the extra moment to give you a hug and tell you that they love you. They have learned your since of humor and are playing tricks on you when you are not expecting it. You helped them through a very hard time and in the background you gave them arms to fold into. Or the ear that a boy needed…even if nothing was said. You both understood the feelings that was inside until the hugs or the tears came. You have taught me so much about who I am.

I am a strong woman who can handle most anything. I am a loved person and that was hard for me to learn. When you are hated by a few it takes a deep root in your soul. I not only watched you overcome it. I have watched you teach me how to continue to love the ones that hate but hold them far enough apart from you so as not to hurt yourself. You, You have helped me become the AMAZING woman that I am. They say behind every strong man is an AMAZING woman. Well…. behind this strong woman. There is a man that holds me up and gives me strength.

I have learned my place event hough it has taken me 8 years. Now that I am here I am comfortable. Please God. Help keep my husband safe and with me. I know I am selfish to ask this of you. But my heart has been broken so much. I cannot bare to loose him as well.



Today I had a talk with the Dr.’s office. It is concerning. And now that I have your CT scan in from of me…. I am fearful…. this is the scariest thing that I cant think of. Lymphoma…. what the hell man. This isn’t fair. My hubby is trying to rule out Lymphoma. I understand what we are looking at. I can take care of him. I have no fear about that at all. I am one of the best CNA’s there are. I am needed …. But I also know that I can never be payed for what I would be doing. I could divorce him and than that would work. But I would never do that…. I married him for a reason… and I take the vow seriously…

I know how many of you out there HATE my hubby…. But I know that there are so many more that LOVE him. He is kind to those that treat him right. He is Sweet to those he loves…. He is amazing with knowledge and shares it with young or old that will listen. He will sit for hours and watch T.V. With his children…. and he camps with his family and has a blast showing them the world around them.

You take in stride the hate that is thrown your way. You have shown me how to let things go. More than I ever thought possible. I wasn’t a greedy person that I remember till I got into AMWAY. They teach you to dream and dream BIG. The problem was that I wanted it all now instead of waiting. With you…. I have learned that I am happy were I am. I am happy with my children, with my life, Most of all…. I am happy with you and with my marriage…. Happy with myself…. And madly in love with you.

You may never see all this. But at this time when I am learning just how serious all this is… I want to put it to paper just hoe much I love yo. How special I think you are. You mean the world to me. That is why I am willing to serve you while you are sitting and I am standing. That is why I am willing to drop everything to bring you the wallet you left at home. * G * you do that a lot you know. I serve you because that is what I was taught to do. That is what I know how to do. That is what I love to do. I love to Love you.

You are Loved by so many people and remember that the ones that hate you are few and far between. 10 people are insignificant to the amount of people that Love you. I am your #1 fan. Know that baby…. through it all. I have learned to turn to you first. Not my daddy… You are the provider for my family not him and you are an amazing one at that. You may not have a high paying job. But you pay the bills and keep a roof over our head. That is an AMAZING provider. That is all one can ask for. I don’t need all the big things in life. I only need you and our children and our LOVE….

Stay strong my loved one. I am here for you and so many are as well.



We have been together for a LONG time. I have loved you even longer. I am scared about this, more than I will ever let you know. Your nieces and your nephew have learned to fall in love with you and I see thier faces glow when you give them a hard time. You have taught them how to smile and see an amazing part of you.

Right now with all the fear and the not knowing… we sit and wait. Worrie ourselves into a pit of dispair and not know what to do. If this is Cancer we will make it through. If they dot he surgery we will make it through. Your kids will be fine… your wife will be fine. all that you know will still be as it is now…. and you, you will get better. I know you will. You are to stuborn to change that fact.

The kids are scared right now… they are feeding off of what we are feeling. I know that I need to slow down and help them. But right now. slowing down is an awfull lot to ask of me. I held your chest last night. I feared that you would stop. I didn’t sleep much at all to tell you the trueth.

My plan is to grow old with you. Put our kids through so much hell. not to have you leave early so know this now… You WILL be fighting… Harder than you ever wanted too and I will be the thorn in your ass making you do it the whole way. Don’t you dare give up in this.

Your loving wife