This was the day.
All day it has been nagging me…. this was the day that my sister lost her husband. Her children lost their father, My mom and dad lost their first son~n~law,his parents lost their youngest son, his sister and brother lost a sibling and many many friends lost an amazing camping/hunting/drinking partner.
Me what did I loose? One year ago today, I lost a man that was caring, loving, and an amazing pain in the ass. He is the one that helped me realize how horrible I was to my husband. He said to me.� DragonFly…. if my wife talked about me like you talk about your husband I would be devastated…. �
That was a turning point for me. I started to watch more of what I did…. Did I stop you ask? Not right away…. I was still slapping my hubby with my words and not seeming to care about what the repercussions would be. But I seemed to also be looking at mys elf the way others were looking at me. Listening to myself…. listening to what I was saying about the man I loved.
Than my mom brought over a book. She said she didn’t like it. Didn’t agree with it. That was okay, But can I barrow it and read it. I would like to take what I want out of it…. and leave what I don’t need….
As I read that book.. the words that my brother n law had said to me rang in my ears. I tell you… that hit home more than anything. People only heard from me when I was mad at my husband. They never herd what we would say to each other when we were talking afterwards. And would i go and tell them what started the fight… NO…. I only told people what I wanted them to hear. Never taking on what I was doing to him as MY responsibility. I believe in womans rights… But this woman.. she has it going on. She figured it all out. And she did it… for ME…. I know she did it for many. Any that would listen. But she was telling ME… what My Brother N law had told me 1 year before.
I remember when we told my sister that we were going to get married. I told her. Tell K. that it is all his fault. Laughing she said okay. You know he called me from work and said that he wouldn’t let me pin this on him. It was not his fault. Than I reminded him of the conversation on my back porch with the Bug in the snow behind my house. I told him… word for word and asked him… do you remember saying that… he said this.. �Yeah but I never told you to marry the guy.�
He had to work during the wedding… But he came and asked me if I was happy. I told him.� more than you will ever know.�
This man…. he saved my marriage. My happiness with my amazing husband is due to him…. if his words had not been in my ears. I wouldn’t have taken the time to look inside and start with myself to make things better. To you K…. I miss you. I miss that when I cried the hardest … it was you who would come with these loving arms and you would say … �I love you SIS.� I miss your ears. You always listened. I miss your loudness…. and your keg party’s. Your outlandish stories….. there is no way that some of those stories are true.
I guess I simply am trying to say. I love you and I miss you a lot. I wish that you had been here when hubby was diagnosed. I sure needed your arms. I did use your ears. I know that you heard…. But at some moments I could have used your voice. I miss you dear friend and Brother
I love you…………
Posted: August 26th, 2006 under This-n-that.
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